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Future Victims Unit: Too Much Icing, Not Enough Cake

(Defensive grades will be up tonight or tomorrow morning, after some semi-sober DVR analysis.)

A quick look at how Penn State's past and future opponents made out on Saturday:

Coastal Carolina (0-2) took a 19-3 lead into the fourth quarter against Colgate and gagged it away, giving up 20 points in the final period to lose 23-19.

Syracuse (0-2), you truly suck. The Orange fought back to tie Akron at 28 in the fourth quarter, but couldn't stop QB Chris Jacquemain (20/26, 260 yds, 3 TD) when it counted. Akron wins 42-28. Syracuse is in for an ass whooping of Biblical proportions next week.

Temple (1-1) once again fought the good fight against UConn, this time with monsoon conditions in Philly, but couldn't hold a 6-0 second half lead. UConn kicked two field goals to send it into overtime. Temple kicked a field goal in OT, UConn finally cracked the goal line for the win. The Owls travel to Buffalo next week.

The Fightin' Zookers (1-1) easily handled Eastern Illinois, 47-21. They take on the Ragin' Cajuns at home next week.

Purdue (1-0) opened the season against the Stabbin' Punters of Northern Colorado and won easily, 42-10. Slight upgrade in competition next week, as they host #16 Oregon. (Purdue vs. Oregon? Weird.)

Snooze On, Wisconsin (2-0)! They obviously got a late wake-up call against Marshall and fell behind 14-0 early in the second quarter. The BadgerBadgerBadgers responded by putting up 51 consecutive points. Fun statistical note for those who appreciate rushing game bludgeoning -- six of Wisconsin's seven touchdowns were scored on running plays of five yards or less. Long flight for the BadgerBadgerBadgers next week. They're at Fresno State. Intriguing.

Michigan (2-0) (1-1) stalled and sputtered, but did enough to beat Fake Miami, 16-6. I have nothing interesting to say about this game, other than to bring up two notes from the box score -- Michigan only allowed 47 rushing yards and did not turn the ball over. They play at Notre Dame next week.

You likely already know about Ohio State (2-0) doing their best to put the "turd" in "Saturday" against the Ohio Bobcats. The game was an utter mess for the Buckeyes, and not a particularly encouraging effort heading into next week's GAME OF THE CENTURY OF THE WEEK against Southern Cal.

Iowa (2-0) had their way with Florida International. Annnnnd, done.

Extra icing for Indiana (2-0), who devoured their Murray State cupcake, 45-3. They take on Ball State next week, and as we all know, "I'd rather Ball U. than IU."

Michigan State (1-1) trounced Eastern Michigan 42-10. They have a relatively tricky game against Florida Atlantic next week before a showdown with Notre Dame on 9/20.