The following are actual quotes and events that will absolutely occur Thursday morning in Chicago.
10:00 - 10:15 a.m. Illinois head coach, Ron Zook:
"Let me spell it for you hacks. U-N-T-O-U-C-H-A-B-A-L. Didn't you hear I'm the 3rd longest-tenured coach in this conference, behind Paterno and Ferentz? And for what? I'm 28-45 at this place. I've lost two-thirds of my conference games! The world acknowledges that I saved my job last year...by going 7-6. There's a scorching case of Derpes spreading through Chambana, and the only cure has been REDACTED. [/grabs waterskis, flashes metal hand gesture, cashes paycheck.]"
10:15 - 10:30 a.m. Wisconsin head coach, Bret Bielema
"Russell Wilson? Sure, we expect him to throw the ball with the same efficiency you saw from us in the Rose Bowl. If there's one thing you can count on from this football team, it's abandoning our obvious strengths at the biggest moments, AMIRITE? [/references dumb Iowa tattoo, farts, smirks, exits]"
10:30 - 10:45 a.m. Purdue Athletic Director, Morgan Burke
"Sorry for the inconvenience, folks, but Coach Hope suffered a torn ACL while getting out of the shower this morning. Also, we regret that his golden retriever, Tilly, tore knee ligaments in all four legs while jumping off Coach Hope's bed. Finally, this bit of news to pass along, Carson Wiggs, Robert Marve, and Purdue Pete all suffered season-ending gunshot wounds to their knees while reenacting the Mexican Standoff scene from 'Reservoir Dogs'. Thank you. [/tears ACL]."
10:45 - 11:00 a.m. BREAK.
[Jim Delany seen glaring at reporters while slowly sipping kitten blood from skull of Mike Slive's puppy, missing since 2008.]
11:00 - 11:15 a.m. Ohio State totally-not-interim head coach, Luke Fickell
"...and if you can pinch the carotid artery a bit, BOOM, first-class ticket to Dreamland, punk. Another tapout for the Head Bro In Charge. Also, to repeat, I was kept in an sensory deprivation cell until after Coach Tressel resigned, and I therefore know nothing about anything that isn't cool and brahsome, but if you ask me again in a few months prior to my morning Red Bull IV drip, I'll likely slip up and get us in trouble again. [/Bro-Ices Kevin Wilson's coffee and commands him to chug it; puts Bruce Hooley in knee-bar.]
11:15 - 11:30 a.m. Indiana head coach, Kevin Wilson
[Reporters quietly slink out of conference room, brush up on arcane Brooklyn references and AP Stylebook guidelines for proper quoting of "WhaddayaouttawhackcometoPennState."]
11:30 - 11:45 a.m. Penn State head coach, Joe Paterno
[Life-sized cardboard cut-out of Joe Paterno is propped up behind podium. Penn State Director of Athletics Tim Curley sits next to podium with rickety boombox containing a tape of Joe Paterno press conference answers from the 1980's; explains that he is there to help Paterno with his hearing, fields questions from assembled media.]
"Oh, the quarterback situation? Coach Paterno, what do you think?"
[Curley mashes rewind button]
"*SQWRRRRBBLABLE* ...Matt Knizner" [Curley: *COUGHMCGLOINCOUGH*] "...is a fine quarterback and good kid who just needs to work on the little things and become a better leader."
"*SQWRRRRBBLABLE* ...I think we have a good football team."
"*SQWRRRRBBLABLE* ...East Carolina [Curley: *COUGHINDIANASTATECOUGH*] ...is a heckuva football team."
"*SQWRRRRBBLABLE* ...Awww, I don't know why you guys think I have all the answers. Thanks, we'll see you soon, my work here is done."
[Curley, annoyed, fields one final question.]
"What's that? Oh, Coach Paterno, Cory Giger wants to know about when you're planning to retire."
"What's what, Mr. Giger? Oh, no, that is his answer. That whoooshing you hear is Coach Paterno making a dismissive wanking motion from 1989."
[Joe Paterno sits at swank hotel bar, sips Old Granddad, doesn't have time for this crap.]
11:45 - 12:00 p.m. BREAK.
[Jim Delany holds up drooled-upon SAT bubble answer form and lavishly praises the SEC's new committment to academic standards.]
12:00 - 12:15 p.m. Northwestern head coach, Pat Fitzgerald
"Look, I have to go feign intensity at an alumni event in a half hour, because we're trying to break our record of 783 season ticket packages sold. Here's the deal: We'll go roughly .500 in the conference, beat Iowa, lose to Penn State, and lose a fourth-tier bowl game. There will be no questions. I know you don't care. Boom. Fifteen seconds. [/tattoos tramp-stamp on Kirk Ferentz]"
12:15 - 12:30 p.m. Michigan head coach, Brady Hoke
"...so as you can see, I have complete respect for The Ohio State University, its permissive, know-nothing coaching staff, its apparently blind and deaf compliance department, and their overzealous, borderline-psychotic fans. I think they're a fine University and are capable of sneaking up on the rest of the conference by winning three or four games. Also:
12:30 - 12:45 p.m. Nebraska head coach, Bo Pelini
"I'd just like to, again, apologize to the people of Nebraska for my occasional emotional outbursts on the sideline last season. My mistake was not that I lost my temper, but thinking that the people of Nebraska could be embarassed by anything after throwing their full support behind Tom Osborne's Culture Of Violence in the mid-90's. I mean, Lawrence Phillips and Christian Peter, right? Best fans in college football, YOU'VE BEEN SWERVED. SUPER DELUXE HEEL TURN. [/Fifteen Degeneration X crotch-chops, fireworks shoot in red X pattern behind podium.]"
12:45 - 1:00 p.m. BREAK.
[Jim Delany sneaks through lingering pyrotechnic smoke, steals cupcake and dreams from Make-a-Wish child, vigorously wraps a cape around himself, vanishes.]
1:00 - 1:15 p.m. Iowa head coach, Kirk Ferentz
"And sure, if we had a chance to go back in time, we'd be totally up front with how we handled that whole Rhabdo thing. Who doesn't make mistakes? Not us! It's funny, the relationship between modern media and college athletics. Perhaps now would be a good time to air our differences, and pledge to have a more honest, free-flowing relationship. Those of us in the Iowa athletic deparment actually owe you all a heartfelt apology. Heck, I can't do my job without you guys, right? I mean, if there's one thing a major college football coach needs, it's a symbiotic relationship between himself and the hard-working, underpaid individuals who strive to provide factual, honest coverage to the thousand, nay, millions of Iowa Hawkeye fans who pour their energy, passion, and money into our athletic progr***BZZZZ BZZZZ BZZZ***.
Oh, excuse me for one moment. [/looks at phone, smiles slightly, quickly concludes press conference, departs.]"
1:15 - 1:30 p.m. Minnesota head coach, Jerry Kill
"...that's why, as part of creating a fresh start for the program, we've scrapped Coach Brewster's prior plans to mimic the Wounded Warriors uniforms by replacing the names on the backs of our jerseys with TRY, FIGHT, WIN, and '!!!!!!!!!'. And finally, one last point regarding Marquise Gra...yes, Commissioner Delany?"
[Jim Delany interrupts, announces, "Unfortunately, the vehicles of all Iowa media members had their tires slashed. I have not seen Gary Barta, and cannot confirm or deny that a knife from the catering table has gone missing. Also, Coach Ferentz is unavailable for further comment, but wanted me to pass along these handwritten notes to the Iowa press contingent." Marc Morehouse, Mike Hlas, and Scott Dochterman simultaneously read notes and mouth the words "U MAD BRO?".]
1:30 - 1:45 p.m. Michigan State head coach, Mark Dantonio
[15 minutes of grumpy, useless non-answers. Weary reporters attempt to leave. Dantonio calls timeout, orders air conditioning to be adjusted to 56 degrees, continues talking. Dantonio calls timeout, orders air conditioning to be adjusted to 35 degrees, puts feet on table, glares. Jim Delany proudly declares that SEC reporters are too scared and dumb to handle Big Ten Media Day weather without requesting more media passes than necessary.]