Your Week Four Totally Serious Football Odds

It's hard to believe we're already into the final college football weekend of September but alas, Al Golden is anything but suicidal after his Miami team handled Ohio State in the "Ineligibowl," and Lou Holtz is still his spittlin' delusional old self. While there's a dearth of quality matchups this weekend, that doesn't mean there's a lack of good bets out there. Speaking of which...

• Odds that Tom O'Brien will drive up to Madison and stand outside Russell Wilson's apartment clutching a boombox if NC State gets walloped by Cincinnati (5:1)
• Odds that Guido D'Elia adds Come To My Window amongst the rotation of horrible piped-in music to flow through the Beaver Stadium sound system in honor of JoePa (3:1)
• Odds Penn State announces a stadium attendance 10,000 higher than the actual, which will still be less than 95,000. (4:1)* 
• Which will happen first in Morgantown: Dana Holgorsen goes to the hip flask of Jager or Les Miles eats a napkin?
  
  Flask -180
  Napkin +150
• Who will lose Notre Dame vs. Pitt?
  Notre Dame (4:1)
  Pitt (3:1)
  Good Citizens Of Earth (1:20)
• Number of times Joe Paterno will request that Guido gets with the times and plays some Tommy Dorsey during commercial breaks? (O/U 3.5)
• Will Les Miles burn a couch in the team locker room if LSU beats WVU?
  YES -2000
  NO +1800   
• Follow-Up: If YES, will he end up setting the entire locker room ablaze while spending the next few minutes bungling the extinguishment process? YES -250,000 NO +1500
• Chances that it rains this weekend and Joe and the coaching staff cant get the windows SHUT in the pressbox (2:1)
  
  

*Okay, so that was more depressing than snarky