Can you believe it? The 2012 season will begin with a tough match-up against Ohio University in only 100 days! It may still seem like a long ways off, but before you know it you will be settling in to your ass-groove on the couch to watch Silas Redd spinning out of tackles, Gerald Hodges blindsiding some poor quarterback and the Nittany Lion hamming it up for the cameras.
I'm like a little kid on Christmas morning during the first Saturday of the college football season. I wake up ridiculously early out of excitement, settle in for the pre-game show, and fall asleep watching USC pound some Sun Belt team at about 1:30 in the morning. I then repeat this basic routine for each Saturday for the next few months.
However, this year may be different for me. This will be my first football season as a married man. There will be new obligations that could pull me away from the sofa on Saturdays. To make sure my college football viewing goes largely interrupted, I have devised a list of ways to get out of anything that could disrupt watching each game unfold each and every Saturday.
I am taking a huge risk by posting this, so I hope that you use the following information for your benefit. You just never know when you will need a quick excuse to bask in the glory of college football while remaining in the good graces of your significant other. Use the next 100 days to learn these simple instructions, and all will be well in your world.
Cleaning the TV room- This is a classic. What better way is there to watch football and pretend like you are being productive? There are two keys to this method. First, make sure that the room always needs a cleaning each Saturday. "Accidently" drop some popcorn on the floor during the week. Smudge up that coffee table. Step up your sloppiness. I will be watching football in my man-cave, so just to be safe I'm putting off all cleaning and projects in that room until September. Secondly, clean very slowly. Polishing the TV stand should take no less than an hour. If you don't care for the announcers, flip on the vacuum and let it idly run in the corner. Just do whatever it takes to create the illusion of productivity.
The No NFL Excuse- I can give or take the NFL, so while this excuse isn't for everyone, it works very well for me. If your significant other starts to complain about the amount of time you watch college football, just say "But I don't watch football with my friends on Sundays like most guys!" This one especially works if you have plans with them on Sunday. Mentioning Monday Night Football usually helps seal the deal as well, as in "Remember last Monday when I watched From Justin to Kelly with you instead of the Cowboys game?" The downside of this is getting beat up by anyone who finds out you watched From Justin to Kelly.
Building Social Capital- Make some very nice gestures on Friday (assuming the Friday night game is a stinker, of course). Have dinner waiting for her when she gets home. Give her a foot massage. Be romantic and stuff. Do whatever it takes to make sure your lady is so happy with you that she won't get irritated when you disappear all day on Saturday.
Join or Start a College Football Blog- I can't wait to use this one in the fall. "Honey, I would love to help you pick out crown molding and throw pillows from that catalog, but I have to watch this game or my editor will be PISSED."
Fake an injury or illness- Another classic that anyone who played hooky from school should be able to pull off. If you go with an illness, make sure you pick something contagious. This will help the entire day go almost completely uninterrupted. Aggravating a hip or knee injury is a good one too. Hey, I'm sure you would love to get off the couch but your doctor clearly told you to ice the injury and stay off your feet. Right??
The "just one more quarter trick"- Just tell the significant other you want to check out the beginning of the game before you head out. After the first quarter ends, say "We have plenty of time and I'd like to finish the half." Then "Well, I'm shocked that this game is so close, this could end up being a huge upset." Then, "It's just one more quarter. I might as well finish it." If you make it this far you have two options. If there are no interesting night games, be a good sport and keep with the original plan. If there's more games you want to watch, it's as simple as "Well it's almost dark out anyways. Let's just take your mother to the apple orchard tomorrow."
Fake Your Own Death- This may seem a bit extreme, but what if you wife's college roommate is getting married on October 27 and you just have to go? Find a remote location in Central America and an employer that is willing to pay you under the table. When the time is right, send a postcard and make plans to resume your life.
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