Never has an offseason been more dreadful than this one, not just for Penn Staters, but for college football fans all across the country. Scandals and deaths and injuries and dismissals have rummaged through the entirety of college fandom since January. But, that all ends next weekend when culture enablers all across the nation once again will rise and don their school's colors and be #drunj by kickoff while enjoying football. Sweet, sweet football.
As a service to the hard-working men and divas who read Black Shoe Diaries, I've decided to compile a to-do list of things that you probably need to get done before Monday so that next weekend will be filled with zero interruptions. Enjoy!
NOTE: Not all of these will apply to everyone. Feel free to add anything I might have missed in the comments. This is to help everyone out!
- Buy beer and meat (#andwhiskey). Whether you are heading to the stadium to tailgate and watch from the bleachers or getting that dent back into your couch due to not getting up for 15 straight hours next Saturday, these are really the essentials. I'm a burger/hot dog/spicy sausage guy, myself, but feel free to improvise. Get to your closest beer distributor early, as I'm sure all will heed my advice, and stock up with as many cases of "After 12 Beers, I Can't Tell What This Tastes Like Anyway" as possible. Finally, a nice bottle of Old Grand-Dad will go a long way for us Penn Staters next weekend.
- Get that thing done that you haven't done this summer. Were you supposed to fix the fence this summer? Take out that stump in the front yard? Clean out the attic? Do it this weekend. It's a long season and you gotta keep the significant other happy to allow football to flow freely every weekend.
- Find your remote/know your channel lineup. You got games on all the ESPN networks, BTN, Pac-12 Network, ABC, CBS, FOX, NESN, etc. Make sure you know where to go and program in your favorite channels if possible. Or in my case, make sure you can afford a cable package for your new apartment so you can watch any game.
- Begin securing harmful loose objects. It's inevitable. At some point, your quarterback is going to throw an awful pick or a linebacker is not going to be able to keep up with that tight end in coverage and the safety will blow the backside help. All that pent-up frustration from this offseason will come to a boiling point and you think that antique lamp your grandmother gave you has turned into a javelin. Make sure it is fastened to whatever it might be standing on so she doesn't come back to haunt you from the grave because you broke her shit. ADDENDUM: Grab a stuffed animal to heave across the room. Now, doesn't that feel better?
- Set up the diaper-changing station/feeding area/couch-side crib. Many readers have young ones running around the house and while you might wish for some peace and quiet on Saturday, you know deep down that those little monsters, while you love them so very much, will do anything to destroy football time. Make sure your Pampers and Gerber are close at hand so that you won't miss that huge fourth-down conversion or Brian Kelly's face invent a new shade of purple.
- Get the creative juices flowing. What are you going to do different this season? This coming weekend is a chance to dream big and impress all with fancy ideas all season long! You can come up with a new tailgate dish or game to play while you're in the parking lot. Come up with anagrams for each player on your favorite team (i.e. Matt Stankewich is It Thwack Mean Tits -- beating up on overweight defensive lineman all across the Big Ten). Or, to make a little extra money throughout the season, come up with some prop bets to be wagered on before football action starts. Hey, that gives me an idea for another story....
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