Big Ten Preview: Week Eight

I had zero idea how to start this, until I read this story on UPROXX. We need to talk about this. All of us. I have so many questions: is this actually Prince, or is it Dave Chappelle doing his Prince impression? Will there be basketball? Will Charlie Murphy be there? Will Prince personally serve me pancakes? Will he ask me if I'd like some grapes? Why didn't I know about that .gif of Walt Jr. before? So many questions. My head hurts.

To the games!

Saturday, October 19

Minnesota @ Northwestern, noon

GIVE ME YOUR TEARS, DARREN ROVELL. What the hell happened to Northwestern last week? I picked them to lose to Wisconsin, not get they azz beat. Wisconsin put on one of those old school Undertaker performances when he just kicked the living shit out of everyone. Of course, this makes jNW the Shawn Michaels of the Big Ten last week, except unlike Shawn Michaels, Northwestern has never won titles/posed for Playgirl.

As for Minnesota, they may lose every game for the rest of the season. I'm not kidding. It's not because Minnesota is bad -- they are, but that's not it -- but because their schedule is BRUTAL. After this week, they host Nebraska, travel to Indiana, host PSU and Wisconsin, and close out the season at Sparty. WOOF. Whoever made that schedule and didn't think to put Purdue in there is awful.

Northwestern will be out for blood this week. Golden Gopher Blood. It's good for the soul.

Prediction: jNW 45, Minnesota 24

Watchability: You can do worse.

Purdue @ Michigan State, noon

Sparty made lots of pass throws last week. I don't get it. QB Conor Cook went 22-for-31 with 2 TD's, and Jeremy Langford ran for three on the ground. I can't handle a world where Sparty can throw the football. They're supposed to be the B1Ggest team in all of the land. RUNNIN' AND KICKIN' AND DEFENDIN'. None of this passing nonsense. I hate Mark Dantonio sometimes.

Also, I won't waste your time with this: Purdue is awful and will lose.

Prediction: Sparty 34, Purdue 7

Watchability: RUN.

Indiana @ Michigan, 3:30 p.m.

By the transitive property of sports, Indiana should win this game. By sheer logic, Michigan should win this game. All I know is that I have zero idea why I'm picking Michigan. I just am.

Indiana has been awesome this year. Their offense has laid waste to most mortals, and their defense has had exactly two good games, against Bowling Green and against Penn State. However, when they face a defense that punches them in the mouth, they struggle. I think Michigan is pissed off enough to do that. I also expect Fitz Toussaint to bounce back from a rough wee...hahahaha I kid.

Prediction: Michigan 38, Indiana 34

Watchability: You know what? I may check it out.

Iowa @ #4 Ohio State, 3:30 p.m.

ROUGH 'EM UP, HAWKEYES. THEY GON GIT DA NITTANY LIIIIIIIINES NEXT WEEK. Now that I got my weekly Dusty Rhodes out of the way, there's no way on God's green earth that Iowa wins this game, and it would be nice to see them rough up Ohio State before the Buckeyes take on Penn State, but whatever. Save your annual letdown for next week, Buckeyes.

Prediction: Ohio State 42, Iowa 17

Watchability: Purely scouting purposes only.

#25 Wisconsin @ Illinois, 8 p.m.

Wait, this is the primetime game? What the shit, Beckman? How'd you pull that one off? I'm not even mad, that's amazing. Tim Beckman, who can't coach against good teams to save his life, will be in primetime. Plus he's going against Wisconsin. The Badgers thrive on primetime games. Those games are usually the ones where the either derp it away or go on a Florida Man-esque killin' spree. I expect the former. Jesus, how is Illinois in a primetime game?

Prediction: PAIN (Wisconsin 45, Illinois 20)

Watchability: Melvin Gordon is going to crush Illinois. Of course this game has all the watchability.

Enjoy the games (and this article on what NFL logos would look like if they were fat), you guys. #YoureWelcomeMexico

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