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Big Ten Preview: Week Nine

We're going to lose this week, aren't we?

Jamie Sabau

I hate this week. I hate this week so very much. I usually brace myself for Penn State to lose two games per season, not because I'm being a pessimist, but because Penn State usually goes up against two teams that are much better than they are twice a year. This is one of those weeks. I have zero faith in Penn State in Columbus this week, no matter what George Michael says.

To the games!

Saturday, October 26

Northwestern @ Iowa, noon

ROVELL TEARS ROVELL TEARS ROVELL TEARS. God, this season has been beautiful. Northwestern went from "potential Big Ten champion" to "jNW" faster than you can say "entitled students" or "Duke of the Midwest." I can watch Northwestern derp their way to a meh bowl and four to six losses every year, and every year it'd make me happy.

However, at a certain point, Northwestern has to snap out of this funk, right? They're just too talented to lose four in a row, especially against a team as meh as Iowa. Iowa gave up 26 points to Sparty. Twenty. Six. Points. To. Sparty.

I think Northwestern comes out pissed and takes Iowa to the shed.

Prediction: jNW 35, Iowa 17

Watchability: Probably not much but whatever.

#24 Nebraska @ Minnesota, noon

T-MAGIC BACK!? T-MAGIC BACK! My favorite awful college football player may play this weekend, and the world is better when Taylor Martinez is scrambling for gains of 30, then throwing a pick six. I'm so happy. How can I possibly pick against Nebraska?

The other thing to remember: while Nebraska is a good team, Minnesota is a bad team. I think they won last week for two reasons: A) They were riding a wave of emotion with Jerry Kill attending the game and 2) jNW. I don't think that momentum can carry over, but I do think they put up a fight.

Prediction: Nebraska 38, Minnesota 24.


Michigan State @ Illinois, 3:30 p.m.

Seriously, how does Beckman manage to get games that aren't noon kickoffs? Or I guess 1 p.m. kickoffs for him since he's on CST but WHATEVER. Illinois doesn't deserve to have games that can be viewed as "marquee" by anyone, and later games run that risk. God, I hate college football.

Anyways, this game should be...interesting. Illinois doesn't play defense, but Sparty doesn't play offense. Conversely, Illinois plays offense, but Sparty plays defense. It's like a penetrable force facing a movable object. Can both teams lose? I think both teams can lose.

Since I need to pick, I'll go with Sparty because Tim Beckman is satan and Connor Cook has done a nice job being Michigan State's best game manager since Kirk Cousins, which is about as nice of a compliment as you can pay a Mark Dantonio quarterback.

Prediction: Michigan State 24, Illinois 21.

Watchability: Don't ever watch a Michigan State slugfest or a game involving Tim Beckman.

Penn State @ #4 Ohio State, 8:00 p.m.

Yes, I know Urbz is kinda scared of us. And yes, I know that picking Ohio State to beat us is the most un-American thing I can do aside from burning this picture of the Founding Fathers hanging out with Jesus. But I need to. Ohio State is too good. Braxton Miller is the best football player in the country, and the second best player in the country also plays for Ohio State. As does the third, fourth, fifth, all the way down to the last player on OSU.

I expect OSU to win the opening kick, house it, kick an onside kick, recover it, score immediately, and repeat. They just do that all game. By the time the game is over, I think OSU breaks Georgia Tech's record for the largest margin of victory in CFB history. It gets that ugly. Christian Hackenberg never gets a chance to throw a pass, which makes Allen Robinson a non-factor, just like Urbz wants. Our horrible, John Butler coached defense, breaks every NCAA record for incompetence, and by the end of the night, we all have alcohol poisoning. State College burns down, Penn State is shut down forever, and I live a life of panhandling in, you guessed it, Columbus, Ohio.

Prediction: Ohio State 482, Penn State 0.

Watchability: I swear to God this isn't a reverse jinx, you guys.

Enjoy the games, everyone. Go State, Beat the Buckeyes.

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