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Big Ten Preview: Week Twelve

If we lose this week I'm hurting myself

Mike Carter-USA TODAY Sports

Purdue. F'ing Purdue. If we lose to Purdue...Jesus. I'm doing something awful to myself. Or perhaps to someone else. I'd love to dropkick Nick through a window, so that may be it. However, I'm open to suggestions. If there's something terrible that you'd like to see me do to myself if we lose to Purdue, suggest it in the comments, you sick, maniacal bastards.

To the games!

Saturday, November 16

Purdue @ Penn State, noon

Ugh. Noon kickoffs are the reason God forced Bieber upon us. There's nothing worse. I wake up every morning at 9:30 -- which, for a college student, is torture -- so I usually like to sleep until like noon on the weekends. However, thanks to Mark Emmert and his COMMUNIST television contract policies, I have to wake up at like 8:30 on Saturdays when there's a noon kick so I can tailgate a little. I hate everything.

As for the game, Penn State needs to win this one. If they lose, there's an excellent chance that they lost their last four games. Luckily, Purdue is arguably the worst team in any BCS conference this year. Look out for heavy doses of Zill Belak, and for Christian Hackenberg to throw the ball to Allen Robinson like 30 times.

Prediction: Penn State 38, Purdue 9

Watchability: If it wasn't Penn State this game would suck

Indiana @ #22 Wisconsin, noon

Wisconsin ran all over a very good BYU defense last week. Indiana does not have a very good defense by any stretch of the imagination. In fact, I would argue, in one of my hottest takes ever, that Indiana is bad at defense. This just seems like one of those games where two Wisconsin RB's go for nearly 200 yards, right? Plus it's at home. Indiana has no chance.

Prediction: Wisconsin 44, Indiana 17

Watchability: Eh, it's on during the Penn State game

#3 Ohio State @ Illinois, noon

Here's how you view this game: if Ohio State wins, it mean Tim Beckman loses. If Illinois wins, it means Urban Meyer loses and the Buckeyes free fall in the polls, opening up a slot for future National Champion Baylor to slide into.

(Quick rant: why isn't Baylor getting any love? Like, none at all? They have the best offense in America, their defense absolutely stonewalled Oklahoma last week, and when people bitched that they need a marquee win, they went out and slaughtered the #10 team in America. But lol not marquee enough. Still gonna put y'all at #5 behind Ohio State and a one-loss Stanford team because pollsters are idiots.)

Ok, back to this game. Illinois will win if hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Illinois isn't winning this game. I'll eat a pair of James Harden's socks if they do.

Prediction: Ohio State 63, Illinois 10

Watchability: Go Baylor

Michigan @ Northwestern, 3:30 p.m.

So I'm picking Northwestern, I just have no idea why. Perhaps it's because Michigan has been brutal as of late? But so has Northwestern. Seriously, how does any half-decent team lose five games in a row? I don't get it. I don't get this Northwestern team. I mostly just need to hope for an upset so I can make moves in the BSD pick 'em thing.

I think if Northwestern finds a rhythm on offense, this game is actually pretty winnable with how frequently Devin Gardner turns the ball over. Please don't make me look bad, Northwestern.

Prediction: jNW 28, Michigan 17

Watchability: Some, I suppose

#16 Michigan State @ Nebraska, 3:30 p.m.

I like Tommy Armstrong. I think he's going to be a really good quarterback some day. *BAD JOKE YOU USUALLY HEAR ON GAMEDAY ALERT* I just don't think that day is Saturday. Michigan State is just smothering teams right now, and I fully expect them to go 11-1 and take on Ohio State in the Big Ten title game. You may be our final hope at insufferable OSU fans doing the whole "WE SHULD B IN DA NATNL TITAL GAM" thing, Sparty. Save us.

Look for Michigan State to dare Armstrong to throw the ball, make Ameer Abdullah a complete non-factor, and truck Nebraska.

Prediction: Michigan State 24, Nebraska 7

Watchability: B1G

Enjoy the games, everyone. Go State, Please Beat Purdue So I Don't Need To Embarrass Myself.

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