Big Ten Preview: Week Thirteen

I graduate in the spring. That sucks for like 300 different reasons, but the most notable reason is that after this Saturday's game, I'm never going to be a student at Penn State during football season ever again. I'm still trying to wrap my mind around that fact. Just gonna sit here and cry about that a little.

*cries*

Ok, now on to more important things, like this week's slate of games in the B1Ggest conference in America. Are you ready? I'm ready.

To the games!

Saturday, November 23

Michigan @ Iowa, noon

VOMIT. Going back to its game against Penn State, I'm convinced that Michigan has been actively trying to lose and every time they win, it just happens on accident. The Wolverines are the worst 7-3 team in America, and I don't think it's close. Despite this, I absolutely think they can beat Northern Illinois, but that's another discussion for another day.

Luckily for the Wolverines, they're playing one of the Big Ten's best "no, seriously, we're trying to lose this game" teams in Iowa. While the Hawkeye defense is stout, its offense is brutal. I hate this game. So much. I think Michigan backs into a win because some guy on Iowa fumbles at an inopportune time whilst trying to take a dump at midfield or something.

Prediction: Michigan 20, Iowa 13

Watchability: Turn it off and run away on my God my eyes are bleeding.

Illinois @ Purdue, noon

I don't want to pick this game. It's horrible. Who the hell scheduled the games this week, a kitten? Both of these teams are God awful, so the winner will be whichever team is less God awful. Here's what both teams have going for them:

Illinois: They don't suck on offense sometimes.

Purdue: Nothing.

Nebraska @ Penn State, 3:30 p.m.

Now, here's the deal. I want Penn State to win. I'm just a pessimist who hates everything and has zero faith in the things I love. It's a Jersey thing. So I'm picking Nebraska. I can't in any way imagine that my college career begins and ends with a Penn State win. I can't see Penn State picking apart a more porous than usual "blackshirt" defense. I can't see Penn State shutting down Nebraska's potent rushing attack.

I look for Ameer Abdullah to have the greatest game of his career and go for approximately 250 yards, and for freshman QB Tommy Armstrong to outgun Christian Hackenberg. Allen Robinson gets hit by a bus and can't play. Adrian Amos finally gets thrown out for targeting. Bane makes an appearance.

Prediction: Nebraska 38, Penn State 24

Watchability: Gag me with a spoon

#19 Wisconsin @ #25 Minnesota, 3:30 p.m.

Jim Ross would call this a "slobbernocker." These two teams love to pound the ball and play stout defense. Both teams will be remarkably well prepared coming into the game. Both teams have a massive chip on their shoulders: Wisconsin because they are the most underrated team in America, and Minnesota because they haven't gotten any love this year despite being pretty good.

*Having said that coming*

Having said that, I think Wisconsin obliterates Minnesota. Why hasn't anyone noticed that the Badgers are amazing? I think they're a top-15 squad, and that Melvin Gordon is one of the five best RB's in college football. I think Minnesota puts up a fight for 2.5 quarters, but Wisconsin turns on the jets at the end and pulls away.

Prediction: Wisconsin 42, Minnesota 17

Watchability: B1G

Indiana @ #3 Ohio State, 3:30 p.m.

Baylor is better than Ohio State.

I'm excited for this one. I think both teams have really potent offenses, and while Ohio State will put up points, Indiana can keep up with them for a little. Nothing wild, but certainly something to watch for a quarter or two. However, Ohio State pulls away at the end, because Indiana can't stop a team from running the ball unless its RB is Zach Zwinak. Look for Braxton Miller and Carlos Hyde to go wild. Like, really wild. To the point that Tom Crean would tweet something like "this is ugly" if Tom Crean had a life during basketball season.

Prediction: Ohio State 55, Indiana 34

Watchability: I would watch if it wasn't during Penn State breaking my heart

Enjoy the games, everyone. Go State, Please For the Love of Christ Beat Nebraska. Go Baylor.

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