Big Ten Preview: Week Fourteen

Wow, this is the last week that we're going to have BIG TEN FOOTBAAAAWWWWWWW. This is awful, especially if you hate Illinois. Let's use that terrible Green Day high school graduation song to commemorate this week.

This is actually a pretty good week of football. We have our first Friday night game since August, when Sparty ran train on Western Michigan. It's no MACtion, but at least it's a solid non-Saturday game, so that's nice I guess. Plus we get TSUN vs. scUM. So much hatred that we need a Chappelle clip.

Let's get into our final week. I'll try to be extra mean. I ain't writing another one of these for like 40 weeks, barring, you know, #fiurbill.

To the games!

Friday, November 29

Iowa @ Nebraska, noon

I don't know what is more disappointing: that I didn't know this is a rivalry, or that the rivalry doesn't have "corn" anywhere in its nickname. Probably the first one, definitely the second one.

Anyways, I desperately want to pick against Nebraska, since those fighters ruined my senior day. Despite this, I'm taking them, just because I don't trust Iowa at all. The Hawkeyes inspire me about as much as a halftime speech by Coach Kline. They run the ball well, play solid defense, and their QB game manages the hell out of the football. All good, nothing great. Nebraska, meanwhile, is great at running the ball and not horrible at defense. And horrible at ruining the last game of my PSU career. Jackasses.

Prediction: Nebraska 27, Iowa 21

Watchability: FOOD COMA

Saturday, November 30

Minnesota @ #11 Michigan State, noon

I'm intrigued by this one. Minnesota and Sparty are built pretty similarly: pound the ball, play tough defense, don't do anything dumb. Boom. Simple. There's nothing spectacular, all they look to do is win, and both teams are really good at that.

However, I think Michigan State is better at that than Minnesota. It's really that simple. The Spartans are fantastic, and I give them a solid but not overwhelming chance at beating Ohio State next week. My one fear is that they may look past Minnesota this week, but I don't think that happens.

Prediction: Sparty 31, Minnesota 21

Watchability: #B1G

#3 Ohio State @ Michigan, noon

THE WHEELS ON MICHIGAN ARE FALL-ING OFF. FALL-ING OFF. FALL-ING OFF.

Michigan is 2-4 in its last six games. Its best recruit is probably gonna start looking around at other schools. Brady Hoke's seat isn't hot, but it's getting warm. The entire team is a mess right now, and what better way to right the track than to host your biggest rival, who happens to be the #3 team in the country?

Oh, wait there are about 1,000 other things that would be better for Michigan? And they gon git they ass beat? Ok. My bad.

Prediction: Ohio State 52, Michigan 17

Watchability: This kind of beatdown is illegal in 19 states and Puerto Rico

Purdue @ Indiana, 3:30 p.m.

Whatever.

Prediction: Indiana 44, Purdue 10

Watchability: None at all in any way, shape or form just throw your TV out the window oh God why are you still watching noooooooooooooooooooo

Northwestern @ Illinois, 3:30 p.m.

*grabs chair* *sits down in it*

Alright, listen to me, Northwestern. Listen very carefully. There was a time where you were one of the best teams in America. I'm 100 percent serious. However, since then, you've collapsed in the most spectacularly bad way that I've ever seen. I'm at the point where I'm convinced you're actively trying to lose. I mean, who starts 4-0, gives Ohio State a scare, then drops SEVEN in a row? It's remarkable.

However, I have found the perfect antidote for your recent struggles: Illinois. I swear to God, don't lose this game. You can't lose this game. If you do, you prove that my "actively trying to lose " theory is correct. Just this once, Northwestern, don't be jNW. Be NW.

Prediction: jNW 31, Illinois 27

Watchability: Eh, might be worth a few minutes of your time.

Penn State @ #15 Wisconsin, 3:30 p.m.

This game has the potential to get really ugly, really fast...or to stay close throughout. I'm prepping for the former and hoping for the latter. I wholly believe that Wisconsin is the most underrated team in the country, and that if they weren't screwed out of the Arizona State game, they'd be one of the nation's top 10 teams.

No team runs the ball quite like Wisconsin. While most teams either look to be faster or stronger than you, Wisconsin does both. My worry is that Penn State won't be able to stop it, partly because Penn State hasn't exactly been the '86 Bears against the run this year, and because Wisconsin is, you know, amazing.

I look for Melvin Gordon to run all over the Nittany Lions, for Joel Stave to have a typical "good, not great" game, and for Allen Robinson to morph into God mode because he was screwed out of the Biletnikoff final ballot. Still, no bueno, and I think this season ends with a loss. Life is awful.

Prediction: Wisconsin 44, Penn State 24

Watchability: :'-(

Welp, that's it for me *cues up SNL outro music* I'd like to thank the staff, all of the readers, the Big Ten, Jim Delany, Northwestern football, not Baylor, my family, my friends, Lorne Michaels, BERT, uh, crap, song's almost over, IFIFORGOTANYONEIMSORRYILOVEYOUGOODNIGHT!

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