Pickin' Nits Is Sorry

Before I start this week, a quick message: Despite Cobra Starship saying otherwise, I really want to apologize if I offended anyone in my post last week. I'm not going to bullshit you guys, I did mean to call you dumb, because as the newest guy here at BSD, I view the whole nits thing as insane. After talking about it with a few other BSD-ers, they made me realize I should have been less blunt with my wording. For offending you guys, I want to apologize. To make it up to you, I'll buy you dinner if you're in State College this weekend if you were offended. Seriously, just get in touch and I'll wine and dine you like I'm a lonely businessman and you're a high-end call girl.

But seriously, it's a word. I know for a fact that nobody at BSD (me, Dan, etc.) uses it maliciously; it's just a word. So here's the deal: we're going to keep using it. With no malicious intent, as always. And if you have a problem with that, you're going to need to deal with it. Unless, of course, you want to get us Wrestlemania tickets (and Dan a flight to Newark or NYC), then we'll say whatever you want. For real. We'll literally say anything that isn't lawsuit worthy if you get us Wrestlemania tickets and round-trip airfare for Dan.

Now, for what we're really here for: bad jokes and Penn State sports. This week's song to listen to while you read: Wings by Macklemore. LET'S DO THIS.

(Quick Reminder: #GetBillAdamDevonAndDanIfHeCanGetAFlightFromTexas2Wrestlemania)

Women's Basketball

• The 8th ranked Lady Shootyhoopers had two games this past week against the Big Ten's two Indiana schools and won both of them.
• In their first game, at the BJC against 13th ranked Purdue, the Lady Lions pulled out a huge 69-61 win. Maggie Lucas led the way with 17 points and 6 boards. Of note: the Lions had 7 assists. As a basketball snob who loves good passing, I bite my thumb at the Nits for that.
• The ladies then went into Assembly Hall to take on Indiana. As you know, Indiana's men's team may be the best team in the shit show that is men's college basketball. The women's team, however, is the worst team in the conference. Indiana is essentially the opposite of Penn State. Oh, the ladies won, 76-54, and Lucas and Alex Bentley both put up 20.
• SHAMELESS PLUG: SBN's women's hoops page Swish Appeal asked me to discuss the Lady Lions right here.
• The Week Ahead: Home against Sparty on Sunday, at Iowa on Thursday. Go Nits.

Track and Field

• Track had their last meet of the season at PSU, the Sykes and Sabock Challenge Cup. Here were all the schools in attendance *deep breath*: PSU, Princeton, Virginia, South Florida, Jacksonville (women only), Cornell, Buffalo, James Madison, Penn, UNC-Wilmington, Liberty, Binghamton, Lock Haven. PSU's men's and women's team both won.
• Event winners *deeper breath*: Mahagony Jones (women's 60 and 200 meter dash), Ryan Brennan (men's 600 meter run), Robby Creese (men's 800 meter run, Za'Von Watkins came in 2nd), Sancho Barrett (men's 60 meter hurdles), Natalie Bower (women 2000 meter steeplechase, Abbie Benson and Emily Giannotti took 2nd and 3rd), the men's and women's 4x400 meter relay, the men's distance medley, Erika Morgan (women's high jump), Marlene Ricketts (women's triple jump), Jane Swenson (women's shot put), Will Barr (men's weight throw) and Melissa Kurzdorfer (women's weight throw).
• TL;DR -- We're really good at track
• The Week Ahead: The 13th ranked men's team and the unranked women's team are, according to GoPSUSports, going to magically be in Fayetteville against Arkansas and Seattle against Washington at the same time. Someone please explain this to me.

Women's Hockey

• Women's hockey continues to be not good, losing both of their games this past week against Mercyhurst.
• I can throw out a bunch of stats at you, but I think this is the most telling: in their 5-2 loss on Friday, PSU was outshot 64-19. In their 4-1 loss the next day, they were outshot 50-12. So in their two games, they were out shot 114-31. JESUS.
• The Week Ahead: The ladies take on Lindenwood University on back to back nights in State College. Lindenwood is 3-23-3 on the season. I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN. Well, ideally. You never know with women's hockey.

Gymnastics

• Both gymnastics teams took on Ohio State at Rec Hall. Both gymnastics teams beat Ohio State at Rec Hall. That totally makes up for the obvious hold on Mike Mauti on Braxton Miller's TD run this past year. Oh, wait. It doesn't. At all.
• The top ranked men's team took down the 5th ranked Buckeyes, 444.300 to 432.300. The guys managed to win five of six individual events and Trevor Howard took home the all-around victory. BOOM. EAT IT, BUCKEYES.
• Meanwhile, the unranked women's team pulled off the upset against the 20th ranked Buckeyes, 195.575 to 194.675. Sharaya Musser won the all-around, meaning she should be appearing on a Wheatie's box in the near future. I think.
• The Week Ahead: The ladies head to Lincoln to take on 9th ranked #NEBRASKASTICS (you're right, it doesn't work as well). The men's team get to go to the Winter Cup in Vegas. So they're in Vegas while all of us are getting blasted with bad weather. Jerks.

Swimming and Diving

• Both 24th ranked SWIMMIN POOLS teams took on Towson at PSU last week. Both won, since it was Senior Day and you aren't supposed to lose on Senior Day. Total domination is a recurring theme this week. Unless it's women's hockey.
• The guys won, 186-101. The ladies won, 186-109. SO. MUCH. SYMMETRY. #illuminati
• This week's swimmer profile is of freestyle specialist Alyson Ackman. It will be done by my sister, Nicole. When I told Nicole about Alyson's times in the 100 and 200 free, two events that she also swims (COLLEGE RECRUITERS: she has gone a high 57 and a 2:03), her response was: "Damn." GO NIKKI!
• The Week Ahead: Both teams head out to Columbus this weekend for the Ohio State Invite. No word on if the Buckeyes will have three fewer swimmers than normal, and if that would be "awful" and "horrible."

Men's Volleyball

• The 7th ranked men's volleyball team beat both Pfeiffer and Mount Olive. Badly.
• Against Pfeiffer, PSU walked 3-0 (25-15, 25-22, 25-18). The unlikely hero was Scott Kegerreis, who not only has the best lax bro flow on campus (the 6th pic in this gallery), but also led the team with 11 kills. As always, Taylor Hammond led the team with 36 assists.
• Against Mount Olive, PSU again won 3-0 (26-24, 25-22, 25-22). Nick Goodell had 13 kills, the Bash Bros Russell Brothers chipped in with 11 kills each and Hammond again led the way with 40 assists.
• The Week Ahead: Penn State plays St. Francis on Friday, followed by a showdown with 8th ranked Ohio State on Saturday. Go not only for the match, but because I will be there in a suit, looking like an idiot.

Fencing

• Fencing had the week off, so I'd like to take this space to remind you #GetBillAdamDevonAndDanIfHeCanGetAFlightFromTexas2Wrestlemania
• The Week Ahead: Both fencing teams head down to Durham, NC to take on MIT, Air Force, Notre Dame and UNC. Fun note: this is in Durham (where Dook is located), the meet is called the Duke Duals and according to Dook's website, they will be in this meet. But GoPSUSports says Dook won't be there. So, yeah. Screw Dook always. Especially the Dook team that plays on Danny Green Court at Hansbrough Indoor Stadium. (NOTE: JJ Redick's dad looks like Bryan Cranston)

Tennis

• Guess what? Both genders of tennis won their matches this week. This week has been boring. I've barely made fun of anything. We need men's lax to get here so I can crack bro jokes.
• The men's team took on Penn and Lehigh in Happy Valley and beat both teams with relative ease. They beat Penn, 6-1, and beat Lehigh, 7-0. PSU literally dropped one set against Lehigh, and other than their guy who lost against Penn, they didn't drop a set in that match, either.
• The 48th ranked women's team beat Kentucky, although not with the ease that the men had in their matches. They squeaked out a 4-3 win, winning four of the six singles matchups. I wish I could think of a Calipari joke right here. Dammit.
• The Week Ahead: The women's team takes on Old Dominion at PSU, while the men's team goes down to Blacksburg to take on Virginia Tech. I'm sleep, tho.

Men's Lacrosse

• Men's lax let their hair flow under their visors tilted to the side this week, with their shades on and popped Abercrombie collared shirts looking phresh against Johns Hopkins. Unfortunately, since it was a scrimmage and there were no "formal scores," there's not much to talk about. So here's Brantford Winstonworth, The Ultimate Lax Bro.
• The Week Ahead: Lax pennies up to take on Michigan in Ann Arbor on Saturday. It's their first match of the season. Bro out, guys. Nattys on me when you get back (as long as you get back some time after March 10 so I can legally buy you guys Nattys).