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Success With Hyperlinking Laughs At Death

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Wow - what a boring Tuesday. Let's talk bees.

All Oprah

In preparation for a slow, late April Tuesday, SwH presents a Texas classic, The Dead Milkmen. Is it music? Is it comedy? Neither. It defied classification. It broke barriers, and got you to laugh out loud at one of the funniest things around: death from corporate pollution.

For those of you trapped without sound, here's a verse:

One day my dog went out to play
Instead of grey, he came back colored yellow
The chemical men said "stay mellow,
It happens all the time",
Now Scotty's skin is lime

Scandal Update - Week 78

Thanks to US District Judge Yvette Kane, we're guaranteed to be talking scandal well into May, so we should be able to clear that 100-week barrier. Judge Kane postponed a hearing scheduled for tomorrow on the NCAA's motion to dismiss Tommy Corbett's anti-trust suit against the NCAA, because she will be attending a funeral. That's fine with me. I just want this to drag out for as long as possible.

Ain't Come To Play Skool

PSU Professor John Dillon - who cuts a striking pose in his photo - was named the inaugural Norman Eberly Professor of Practice in Journalism. This is noteworthy on a sports blog because Chris Eberly was a running back on late 1990's football teams. The press release does not mention any relationship between Chris and Norman, and as a blogger, I'm not interested in researching whether one exists. Instead, I'll imply in this space that a relationship exists, and, should that turn out to be false, I'll feign ignorance and call myself 'just a blogger'. I'll also point out that I never wrote a relationship existed, and then I'll get belligerent, start twittering obscenities and calling you stupid.

Oprah Bees Gif

Penn State has a "Center for Pollinator Research". Let that fact sink in for a bit. Second fact: the Center will host the second annual international conference on Pollinator Biology, Health and Policy at the Nittany Lion Inn August 14th - 17th. That's four days about bees. Four. Days. A bit of advice for readers: keep your kids away from downtown those four days, because the pollinator researchers are a crazy bunch. They will straight up knife you to get into the toilet at the Gaff. You think everything's cool one minute, and then you wake up in a bathtub, short one kidney.

Supercomputer Uses Internet Explorer 6

According to this article, some PSU researchers will travel to the Land of Beckman to smoke meth, and play around with "Blue Waters", a supercomputer capable of 12 quadrillion floating point operations per second. The researchers expect to advance humankind's knowledge about global precipitation, and see how fast Blue Waters can download prawn using an outdated browser. Stay tuned.

Lift For Life

It's old news, but if you haven't done so already, go buy an Iron Lion t-shirt.

NFL Draft

After 15 hours of live, broadcast coverage of the NFL Draft, BHGP's Pat Vint saved you the effort of adding up draftees by conference. Surprise - the Big Ten didn't fare so well. Of the 10 drafted kids from the midwest, only one of them went to a Big Ten school. All 232 other draft picks came from two states, Florida and Texas, and played in the SEC. [NOTE: I may have read that incorrectly, so you should click the link to double check my figures there.]

Directors' Cup

Penn State finished 3rd for the Winter 2013 Directors' Cup standings. Michigan placed 1st, Stanford 2nd. Here's a PDF link of the standings. When you have 29 varsity sports and one of the largest athletic budgets in the nation, there's a solid chance that you'll place. Conversely, when you field just 2 varsity sports but still maintain one of the largest athletic budgets in the nation, then you win your 3rd BCS Championship in four years, but place 51st in the Directors' Cup standings. ROLL DAMN RECRUITIN' BUDGETZ, PAAWWWLLL.

Wrestling Tidbit

Ohio State's true sophomore 197-lber Andrew Campollatano left the wrestling team to focus on his criminal defense against felony drug charges. What a waste.

Politics, Religion, and Sexual Orientation

Sorry - no news in any of these areas this week. Check back again next month.

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