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Big Ten Preview: Week Two

Steven Bench makes his Big Ten return. lol


This week's going to be fun. Why? Because some guy that used to play quarterback for Penn State gets to get his ass handed to him by a Big Ten squad. Michigan State is one of the few Big Ten schools I don't hate. Steven Bench is one of the few college football players I hate. WHAT SUCCESS.

Hopefully, we get another tweet like this for week two:

Oh, that is just delicious. We'll forget the fact that Bench is their third string QB, didn't even play last week, and that USF lost 53-21 to McNeese State. I'm McNeese State's ninth most famous alum, and I never went there. They also went 7-4 last year. And Steven Bench couldn't see the field against them.

Also, before we get to the games, we're going to start bringing on a celebrity guest picker for this every week. You have two choices for the Week 3 picker: Guy Fieri or Deadspin's Drew Magary. Vote in the comments. It'll probably be Guy Fieri no matter what the vote ends up saying.

To the games!

Saturday, September 7

South Florida @ Michigan State, Noon

Yeah, I know, Sparty's QB's suck. Like, they really, really suck. Their best QB was Andrew Maxwell, and he went 11-21 for 74 yards and no TD's against Western Michigan last week. But, BUT, see above. South Florida hasn't been relevant since the Matt Grothe/George Selvie/BJ Daniels days, even if Grothe and Daniels were in college for a combined 17 years. Expect MSU to give the Bulls heavy doses of Jeremy Langford (this year's token "Sparty RB who runs for 1,200 yards and 14 TD's"), play lights out defense and take this one. I hate you, Steven Bench.

Prediction: Sparty 21, South Florida 13

Watchability: You should be watching Penn State

Eastern Michigan @ Penn State, Noon

According to Twitter friend @NittanyLines -- a must follow for anyone who enjoys Penn State or the ability to see things -- there is an Eastern Michigan blog where their fans are picking the Eagles to beat the Nittany Lions. Seriously. The team had to score 14 points in the 4th to put away Howard. Also: they don't have Allen Robinson.

Prediction: Penn State 49, EMU 10

Watchability: It's Penn State. Watch every second.

Cincinnati @ Illinois, Noon

Both teams curb stomped their opponents last week: Cincinnati annihilated Purdue, 42-7, while the Fightin' Beckmans...wait...they didn't curb stomp their opponent. In fact, they nearly blew a 39-17 lead against Southern Illinois, 42-34. Illinois is somehow 6th (!!!) in the country in passing YPG, which is nice, until you remember that Nathan Scheelhaase is German for "Regression." Expect Tubz's stout Bearcat defense to stifle Beckman's rag tag bunch of Illini, while Illinois' defense can't stop a nosebleed.

Prediction: Cincinnati 31, Illinois 13

Watchability: You should be watching Penn State.

Missouri State @ Iowa, Noon

Iowa will probably be favored to win three or four games this year, this will be one of them. They're coming off of a tough loss to a very good Northern Illinois squad, 30-27, and get to face Missouri State -- who lost last week to something called Northwestern State (I didn't know Oregon renamed itself!), 23-17 -- that isn't exactly the '72 Dolphins. This can be one of those games where Iowa plays like dog turds and they'll still win, just because the talent gap is that massive.

Prediction: Iowa 17, Missouri 3

Watchability: You should be watching Penn State, plus this game is considered "cruel and unusual punishment" under the Constitution.

Indiana State @ Purdue, Noon

This game features two teams that got absolutely annihilated last week. Like I said earlier, Cincinnati beat Purdue, 42-7. What I didn't say earlier is that Indiana State let Indiana hang 73 on them in a 73-35 loss. They put up 35, which is lovely and all, but dear God. They got chopped up like cilantro. They let IU's Nate Sudfeld, who through seven TD's last season, throw for four. In one game. On 17 attempts. You have to actively try to be that bad at anything.

While Purdue is bad -- really, really bad -- they aren't Indiana State bad. Nothing is. Imagine having to listen to the worst song you've ever heard for all of eternity while suffering chemical burns on your eyes. That's less painful than Indiana State football.

Prediction: Purdue 34, Indiana State 16

Watchability: This "you should watch Penn State" thing is a touch repetitive. But yeah. You should watch Penn State.

Tennessee Tech @ #21 Wisconsin, Noon

Oof. There will be blood. Lots and lots of Tennessee Tech blood. Hey, at least they beat Cumberland 63-7 last week! BUILD ON THAT MOMENTUM.

But yeah, the Badgers will win. They won 45-0 last week over UMass, and there's no reason to believe they won't beat up on another lesser opponent this week. Joel Stave may be a below average QB, but because it's Wisconsin, they have two guys who will beat you on the ground like you owe them money in Melvin Gordon and James White. The duo combined for 287 yards and 2 TD's last week. Plus Corey Clement added in 101 yards and a TD. Because Wisconsin.

Prediction: Wisconsin 63, Tennessee Tech 3

Watchability: You guys know the drill.

San Diego State @ #3 Ohio State, 3:30 P.M.

So Ohio State's gonna win. Here's why: A) Because San Diego State got waxed by Eastern Illinois last week, 40-19, which is pathetic, but it also brings up an important question: why are there so many directional schools in Illinois and Michigan? 2) Current Michigan coach Chris Christie was the head coach at San Diego State. That shouldn't mean anything, but Urbz is the kind of doucher who will purposely run up the score because of that. He is the Ivan Drago of college football.

Prediction: Ohio State 52, San Diego State 10

Watchability: BLOODBATH.

Navy @ Indiana, 6:00 P.M.

Go outside. Walk around for a little. If you come across a bee, wasp or something of the like, attack it. Swipe at it, hit it, basically, make it angry. Watch how viciously it attacks you back.

Now, imagine the exact opposite of that bee's intensity and congratulations! You have Indiana's defense. They allowed 35 points to an Indiana State team that's famous for being the team Joe Pa liked scheduling so the Nittany Lions would win their first game 52-10.

However, Navy hasn't played a game yet. I fully expect Indiana's offense, led by Nate Sudfeld and Tevin Coleman (maybe the most underrated RB in the Big Ten), to wear the Midshipmen down. Navy hangs around, because Indiana's defense, but the Hoosiers pull away at the end.

Prediction: Indiana 41, Navy 24

Watchability: Eh, I guess.

Southern Miss @ #22 Nebraska, 6:00 P.M.

Dirty Little Secret: I still like that song. Another one: Nebraska's blackshirts aren't exactly the stout unit that we're all used to. Last week, in a 37-34 win over Wyoming, Nebraska got gashed for 383 yards through the air and 219 on the ground. No. Seriously. There's evidence that this happened and everything. It was so bad, that Nebraska actually dropped for spots in the polls despite winning.

It won't get much easier stopping USM, who play football like a 12 year old plays Madden: they throw the hell out of the ball and usually lose. They racked up 377 yards through the air last week in a 22-15 loss to Texas State. Woof.

Look for USM to hang around juuuuuust long enough for Bo Pelini to get worried and for GREGGGGGGGGGG to say something stupid about Bo's health (again).

Prediction: Nebraska 34, USM 21

Watchability: Yeah, why not?

Syracuse @ #19 Northwestern, 6:00 P.M.

Petulant child Pat Fitzgerald apparently said that Syracuse should have beaten Penn State last week. Pat Fitzgerald is the worst. He seems like the kind of person who would demand to get his hotel room switched because he doesn't like the view. He probably makes his children run sprints for misbehaving. I hate him so much. He's almost on Beckman's level for me, which is saying something.

Despite this, I think Northwestern wins, just because Syracuse's offense is more clueless than Ricky Bobby after he won his first race. We all saw it last week: they didn't have an offensive gameplan. It was ugly. Their defense should keep them in the game, but no.

This game's close, just because Syracuse will have a plan for containing Venric Mark and Treyvon Green a la the way they contained Bick Zwinton, but Syracuse can't score to save their lives.

Prediction: jNW 25, Cuse 14

Watchability: Never. Watch. Pat. Fitzgerald.

Minnesota @ New Mexico State, 8:00 P.M.

This game makes me want to vomit. Minnesota beat up on a really bad UNLV squad last week, 51-23. Their QB, Philip Nelson, went a cool 10/22 for 99 yards with a TD and an INT. Not exactly Heisman worthy, but the team did rush for 221 yards. Which is nice, I guess.

Meanwhile, New Mexico State got smacked around by Texas, 56-7. They let David Ash throw for 343 yards and 4 TD's against them, and David Ash sucks (HOOK 'EM lml). This one's gonna be ugly. Really ugly.

Prediction: Minnesota 34, New Mexico State 6


#14 Notre Dame @ #17 Michigan, 8:00 P.M.

I have a buddy that used to attend Notre Dame. Apparently, Tommy Rees is a doucher and all of my buddy's friends hate him. That is the extent of my insight into either of these teams.

Neither team really had to do anything last week: Michigan romped Central Michigan, 59-9, while Notre Dame sleepwalked past Temple, 28-6. It was...meh. Both teams went out there and did their jobs. Simple.

As for this week, it's college football's game of the week. Gameday will be there, The Big House will be rocking, Michigan will come out on fire...and Notre Dame will win. It will be an awesome game, but Notre Dame's Louis Nix and Stephon Tuitt come out, control things up front and Tommy Rees does just enough for Notre Dame to win.

But remember the important thing: We shall not think of this game as "Notre Dame won" or "Michigan won," but rather as "Notre Dame lost" or "Michigan lost." Just trust me on that one.

Prediction: D'ohmers 21, Michigan 17

Watchability: DIS GON B GUD

See y'all this weekend. Go State, Beat the Eagles.

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