The WorldBFat Mailbag

Is this bad? PennStateBasketball

Of course not. I am willing to answer the questions the mods won't touch. For instance, if Cari had asked me about a dream involving fingerbanging on the DC metro and Patton Oswalt, instead of me asking her, I would have answered.

What do men REALLY want in a woman? letsgopsu

Ramber's answer of "honesty" is a good one. Also, it's trite, but don't try to fundamentally change us. You can get me to take out the trash, but I'm not going to stop helicoptering to the British Steel album with my whisky for anyone. Shorter term, pkloa's answer of "a certain body part" is a good one. On a related note I'd add that if you are currently doing any modeling for Arby's, you might want to do something about that before seducing a man. I doubt that is a BSDiva problem, of course.

What do women REALLY want in themselves? Nittany_Ryan

Dongs, obviously. Sometimes artificial dongs.

At 29 is it better to invest heavily into my work's 401K plan or put in the minimum and invest more into the market and have a greater potential gain, but at a greater risk? skarocksoi

You should definitely invest into your 401K up to at least the amount that your employer matches. There is no point to leaving that match money on the table. Beyond that, it's important to remember that the economy is absolutely going to irrevocably collapse in your lifetime. I suggest stockpiling canned goods and ammunition. You should also buy property in Montana and consider mailing bombs to universities and airlines (but please don't bomb Penn State).

So, after putting spices on your peen, did you or did you not follow it up with salt & vinegar chips? misdreavus79

I did not. I typically don't keep chips on hand at home. Also, you realize that I didn't touch my peen accidentally, right? I mean I forgot about the peppers, but I meant to touch it.

If you had sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting? Josh Bloom

I know it's stupid as hell, but John Law considers prostitutes to be people. So I guess both.

In a state where sodomy is illegal, could male homosexual intercourse be considered a hate crime?InflammableDumpster

Sodomy laws are invalid in every state. However, for argument's sake, yes.

Where's the best place to get malt liquor in Cleveland? ReadingRambler

I have honestly never bought malt liquor in Cleveland, so I don't know. Go to one of the bad parts of town. At this point I think it's fair to note that I'm not doing any heavy research for this column.

Can you describe patent lawyers in one sentence using the following words: taint, pustule, androgynous, bacon, fruit-broker? Smee

Patent lawyers are the pustule on the taint of the androgynous bacon-faced fruit-broker that is America.

Best TV series ending: Bob Newhart wakes up next to Suzanne Pleshette and realizes he dreamed the entire show; discovering Donald Westphall’s autistic son Tommy fantasized the entire show; Johnny Carson sitting on a stool bidding everyone goodnight? Smee

The Newhart one. Why not?

World B. Free – second best name ever? Smee

Second best name ever. The best name ever is Jake Butt.

Is Sharon Pennsylvania’s Youngstown, or is Youngstown Ohio’s Sharon? Smee

Sharon is Pennsylvania's Youngstown. Sharon lacks Youngstown's vibrant and diverse destitute ghetto culture and overwhelming hopelessness. There is no substitute for the original. By the way, Bruce Springsteen's song about Youngstown is so full of shit. Waxing romantic about working in a steel mill? Fuck you, Bruce.

Handcuffs, leather straps, or silk ties? Smee

Silk ties. Hands (tied) down (/rimshot). Make sure you use good ties. Skip the J. Garcias that your aunt keeps buying you for Christmas. A lady can tell.

Should we yield to temptation, or will it pass our way again? Smee

Always yield to temptation. If I could go back in time and visit a young WorldBFat, that is what I'd tell him.

Do great spirits always encounter violent opposition from mediocre minds? Smee

Yes. Just look at Rob Ford.

Bituminous or Anthracite? Smee

Neither. Fuck your coal industry, Pennsylvania. Nuclear forever.

Self-flagellation, yes or no? Smee

No. I regret nothing.

Can I apply for a trademark if somebody else has the domain name for a company? misdreavus79

I said I'm not looking anything up, and believe it or not there's basically no overlap between what I do and what a trademark lawyer does. That said, I think you're fucked. I could be wrong. I could ask a guy in my firm, but it's 11 PM as I write this so I won't. Sorry. This actually might be helpful, though.

MFK: Anna Kendrick, Jennifer Lawrence, Alison Brie skarocksoi (I merged PSU12's question "Anna Kendrick or Jennifer Lawrence?" with this, because it's the same damn thing)

This is tough. Alison Brie is the certain fuck, because she is smoking hot but seems like she'd be a pain in the ass. As for the other two, they are both very pretty but have something slightly off about them (like I'd be so picky for real). I'm going to marry Jennifer Lawrence and kill Anna Kendrick. Jennifer Lawrence seems nice. Sorry Anna Kendrick. It's not you, it's Jennifer Lawrence and Alison Brie.

You’re re-casting the original Star Wars today. Who plays who? Original cast is off-limits. Please also include Lando. PSU_Buch
Luke: Nicolas Cage; Leia: Alison Brie (I'm fucking her after all); Han: Nick Nolte; Chewy: Shaq; Darth Vader: also Shaq; Obi Wan: Bill Murray; C3PO: Scott Thompson; R2D2: that one midget who does porn... the redheaded one... you know her; Emperor Palpatine: Jean Claude Van Damme; Lando: DMX. Fuck your stupid jerk childhood.

What was the first thought that ran through your mind upon being informed of this unprecedented BSD honor? PSU_Buch

No big deal.

Why? PSU_Buch
As GrandpaBFat would say, "That's why."

Sergeant Slaughter or Nikolai Volkoff? gerrylovesnathalie

Sergeant Slaughter, purely for the G.I. Joe tie in.

The Million Dollar Man or Bam Bam Bigelow? gerrylovesnathalie

Bam Bam Bigelow, purely for the flames on his head.

Does anyone give a better introduction to an event that Joel Gertner? James

Not that I know of. Probably some dude in India or whatever.

Who shot the La La? SubLime

I don't know. I really wish I could give a different answer to this question.

-bscaff

People are too polite to comment on subtle prostheses, so if you need a conversation starter, you need to be brash. I get a thumb-sized diamond, and I'll grip my dick with the next two fingers like an elderly man on a nude beach.

What is your preferred fish and recipe/preparation, excluding salmon, trout, catfish, and tilapia? -bscaff

Halibut and chips from the Sandbar in Juneau. Hit it on your way back from the glacier when you stop in Juneau on your "I'm dead inside" Alaskan cruise.

You're the executive producer of HBO's next hit show. You have unlimited budget and access to any actor/director you want. What and who are we watching and how often are they naked? -Succss With Honor Always

Werner Herzog's "Digressions". Hopefully everyone is naked, but I leave creative control to Herzog.

Do you have a valentine? If so, is it a BSDiva? -psualum9931

Valentine's Day is my birthday, and I have a long-standing tradition of working extra late on my birthday. However, if February 15 counts, yes. She is not a BSDiva. She has no B1G affiliation at all. In fact, if Jerry Sandusky didn't rob me of the high ground, I'd make fun of her college football loyalties pretty ruthlessly. I hate Jerry Sandusky.

Boxers, briefs, or banana hammock? -87Townie; Boxers or briefs? -Fred Durstin

Boxers. Always the least restrictive option.

Is it wrong to masturbate to women's Olympic curling? Does it depend on the team? -tampalion

It's not wrong. They're all adults. It does not depend on the team. We've all masturbated to people of whom we are not proud.

Where is the sexy Olympics thread? -letsgopsu

Fuck if I know.

Is there a bad Tom Petty song? -tampalion

Sure. Here is one. Everyone has at least a few bad songs. Everyone. To suggest otherwise is to enter the realm of disgustingstarfuckery and render suspect your opinions on all matters of taste.

What are the top 5 drink orders a man can make that scream, 'I’m a giant douche?' Top 5 'I’m a batshit crazy loon of a woman? -bscaff

Five each? Jesus. I'm staring at 3 more hours of Q&A. I'll give you one each. It's a giant douche move to order a Budweiser and call it a "Bud Heavy." Cosmos are for crazy broads.

You just ate at a restaurant with your date, you’re walking down the street together, and your stomach can be heard rumbling. Obviously, you’re brewing up something awful and need to use a facility. She looks at you, and you say….? unknown

I am going to fucking murder a toilet for a second. Pardon me." By the way, this is why you always take a dump before a date. Even if the dinner is the cause of the problem, the extra space in your intestine can make a world of difference.

Which coaches would you choose for a CFB swimsuit issue? At what locations would you shoot, who would be on the cover, and would you airbrush out the nip when people are wearing sheer tops? -Nittany_Ryan

All the usual suspects (i.e., the obese coaches). I'd shoot in Indianapolis because for some reason people think it's a good idea to play important college football games there, and I would show them the error of their ways. Charlie Weis gets the cover. Never airbrush a nipple. There's nothing more disturbing than a boob without a nipple on the end. I can't get off to Barbie to this day.

Most public place in which you've ever not worn pants? -bondom34

Real talk: I frequently wear pants. I do it so I won't be recognized as WorldBFat. However, to answer your question, I routinely skip the pants out on my balcony, which overlooks a bustling neighborhood. I also hung my dick out to get some air for like an hour at a party once, I'm told.

As a Browns and Pens fan, you have the choice of 1 of these to happen, what do you choose: Tressel coaches the Browns, Saban coaches the Browns, Ovechkin traded to the Pens. -bondom34

I'm a Pens fan more or less by default, so I couldn't care less about Ovechkin. Tressel likes to run the ball too much for the NFL. Give me Saban!

Would you rather pee a marble or shit a watermelon? -Josh Bloom

I would rather shit a watermelon. If Eastern European porn stars can stretch their buttholes out that far, why can't I?

Do you hold a grudge against Earnest Byner? -tampalion

I was pretty young when he fumbled, but yeah, fuck him.

What is the coolest thing I can draw in all this snow with my pee? -PSU12

The Garden of Earthly Delights by Hieronymus Bosch

Describe your ideal woman. -PSUGuru

The one from Saturday, in case she ever reads this. I wasn't born yesterday.

In the event of a major nuclear fallout (insert giraffelover's life story)… what foods could I stock that would produce a Playdoh like consistency stool? -giraffelover

The foods have to be canned or dried, which limits you. I'm trying to think back to what I ate before my last sticky, Playdoh like shit, and I'm honestly having a little trouble. Somehow I bet Chef Boyardee would do the trick. It works for the Pope.

Would you rather have the IQ of Stephen Hawking or be hung like John Holmes? -vern05

My IQ is fine. Give me the giant cock.

Does the ALS come with the IQ? Does the gorilla hair come with the goods? -rahpsu92

All the more reason to go with the giant cock. Also, I already have the gorilla hair so I don't sweat that.

Would you like to purchase my Tim Couch replica Browns jersey? -James

No

You've finally completed your dream lair. To keep your dastardly deeds from being interrupted by intruders, you install: a moat filled with crocodiles; flamethrowers, duh; a pit full of ravenous, man-eating naked mole rats; or a 100ft pathway completely covered in Legos and a 'Please Remove Your Shoes' sign? -skarocksoi

I install the moat because moats are old money.

Choose one song for the couple's first dance at a wedding. -droyal

A: I didn't reproduce your options because one of them was "other", leaving this open-ended. I choose "Marry Me" by The Vandals.

What is the best breakfast cereal you haven’t had in over 10 years? -Ken Barnas Shattered Dreams

I don't buy cereal, because cereal was invented by a lunatic for use as a mind control device. I'd probably pick one of those long-defunct monster sister cereals to Count Chocula and Boo Berry. Fruit Brute was one I think. Fruit Brute.

If you could reanimate anybody’s corpse for 24 hours, but they would still be decomposed/embalmed/possibly headless, who would it be and what would you do? -Ken Barnas Shattered Dreams

I would reanimate Paul Walker, because he probably burned up completely in that car crash, and it would be fun to go Tokyo drifting with a sentient ash pile.

Is helicoptering more effective clockwise or counter-clockwise? -BNittsDeMilo

In order to answer this question, I had to close the door to my office and do some hip thrusts to see what comes naturally. Clockwise.

What the hell does PPP stand for? -jiminore

Powerful Penis Pills.

Sure.

Rank the top five musical one hit wonders. -Tailgate Shogun

From 1 to 5: Billy Paul - Me and Mrs. Jones, Rockwell - Somebody's Watching Me, Chumbawumba - Tubthumping, Right Said Fred - I'm Too Sexy, OMC - How Bizarre. This is based solely on shower singing frequency and should not be considered an endorsement.

If I have an erection lasting longer than four hours, what should I do? -TheHumbleBuckeye

Definitely DO NOT see a doctor. They say that on TV because the powerful doctor lobby wants the doctors to be around more hard boners all day. I say make your wife happy, and then infuriated.

What will be inscribed on your tombstone? -Tailgate Shogun

Loyalty Above All Else, Except Honor" just like the tombstone from Striking Distance.

I have everything booked except my flight to Dublin. Direct flights from Orlando on Aer Lingus (LOL) are currently $1300-1400, but there are deals for booking in April. Is it reasonable to expect that in May/June there will be deals for booking in late August? -tampalion

Yes. That's my plan too. Someone posted a fanshot or fanpost to that effect. Read that.

Complete the following series: penis – beer bucket – karaoke – urinal tub – penis – _____ – penis – ______ – ______ – ______. -bscaff

penis – beer bucket – karaoke – urinal tub – penis – urinal tub – penis – condom – Stevie Nicks video – suicide

If you were to help me patent a winter hat that covers your head and ears and looks like the famous BO’B butt chin, what would you name it? -Aqua Velva Man

I like pkloa's Asshat answer, but it's not going to lure the sophisticated Barney's New York shopper. Le Tigre.

MFK: Jennifer Lawrence, Emma Stone, Blake Lively. -Josh Bloom

Loyalty is important in any marriage, so I have to stick with marrying Jennifer Lawrence. Til' the next MFK question do us part. That means I'm going to fuck Blake Lively and get banned from BSD for killing Emma Stone.

MFK: Bill, Chris, bscaff. -skarocksoi

In my old age, I find 22 year olds difficult to deal with for long periods of time, so I will marry bscaff. I have to kill Bill for the pun and for the nits thing. Sorry Bill, nothing personal. Sorry Chris.

Complete this mad lib. -skarocksoi

Today was a Mexican day. I took a trip to the trout and got a great fleshlight. Then I met up with Morris Day and we fletcherized for hours. If it weren’t for nightmares we would probably still be at it right now! Later on, I lubed a few cigarettes and sasquatches in front of an entire crowd of people, and they all disrobed. Finally, the fun ended when Elvira showed up, and we went to falafel town. All in all, a pretty spicy day.

How would you kill a hooker? What music would you play? -mattinglywasking

That's a dark question. I guess I'd kill the hooker with a blunt instrument. Spice Girls.

How would you cover your tracks? Also, would you keep a trophy? If so, what? -rahpsu92

Never kill anyone you know (easy enough, I don't know any hookers). Never leave anything behind. Never tell anyone. I think if I stick to this, I don't need to cover my tracks. I probably have to kill the hooker in an alley this way, but that's fine. I suppose I'd keep the blunt instrument, so as not to leave it behind.

What are the 3 main rules everyone should live by? -dbl5030

Have a good time all the time. Be the ball. Don't trust Whitey.

What are the top things that Franklin says to put in my Penn State Coaches’ Press Conference Drinking Board Game? Also, would it be OK to include Herb Hand or do I just get to include head coaches? When are we going to apply for the patent? -Paige2PSU

I haven't listened to any of the new coaches' press conferences yet, so I can't help you. Sorry. I think you should include Herb Hand though. He'll probably get pizza questions for months, so that should be a good topic. We should apply for the patent before you go public with your game.

72 virgins or 72 porn stars? -Fred Durstin

People are quick to knock the virgins, but there's no pressure with the virgins. They don't know any better. Bring on the virgins.

What is the proper size for an areola? -Fred Durstin

Silver dollar or so. Maybe a little bigger but let's not go crazy.

There is a 50 mph per hour wind and you drive your car at 50mph downwind, if you stick your head outside would you feel the wind? -Fred Durstin

You should save this question for the suck it dog BSD guest mailbag. My guess is no.

Which ability that you do not currently possess do you desire the most? -Fred Durstin

Immortality.

If you could time travel, where and when? -Fred Durstin

July 1, 2379. Sydney, Australia. Nevermind why.

If you could spend a day as the opposite sex, would you? -Fred Durstin

Of course. Who wouldn't?

If you could spend the day as a human, would you? -Fred Durstin

No.

Would you want to know what your dog is thinking about you? -Fred Durstin

I don't have a dog, so I'll answer this using my parents' dog, who is awesome. Since I'm the only one who lets him get away with shenanigans, I'd like to know what he's thinking about me. He has to like me more than everyone else in the family, and I would lord that over those bozos.

Can we see what you really look like? -Fred Durstin

If Jared used that picture of my butt for the article, you can see my butt. Otherwise no, unless you want to invite me over for drinks etc.

This change is long overdue. As an aside, does anyone use African American's Law Dictionary once they graduate from law school? I sure as hell don't.

Will the FSU President bring his AD with him? -Smee

This looks unlikely. However, Barron has laid out the qualities he looks for in an AD, and they don't mesh well with what we know about Dave Joyner. I expect Dave Joyner to receive a hefty raise and a permanent AD position.

Would you date me? -ReadingRambler

I'm not into dudes, but I am into the Civil War, so maybe.

Why did you shoot JFK instead of LBJ? -ReadingRambler

As you know, Kennedy was a blood sacrifice preordained by the lizardmen. As a Bohemian Grove member, if not a lizardman himself, LBJ was involved in the ritualistic killing of JFK. LBJ's sacrifice would not have met the goals of the lizardmen.

Why, brown cow? Why? -ReadingRambler

WHY NOT?

Has anyone actually ever met WBF or is he just Keyser Soze? -blackjackfishtaco

A: To my knowledge, I have never met anyone on BSD in person. I thought Gabriel Byrne was Keyser Soze. I keep telling myself I should watch the last 5 minutes of that movie one day, but what's the point?

Please answer the following MFK question: Jim Traficant, David Icke, Axl Rose. -ReadingRambler

Axl Rose has white person corn rows. Kill. Ultimately my decision between Traficant and Icke comes down to the fact that Traficant is a career politician and racketeer. That's well and good, but living in DC, I am a little weary of the aspiring politician type. Good for a fuck, but ultimately I think Traficant would wear me down. Plus, David Icke is a great storyteller. (I marry David Icke.)

Taming any strange, bro? -garder54

Yes. See above.

Who is the greatest fat male TV character? -Dbridi

Carl Brutananadilewski

You have to take the Browns to the Super Bowl, and to mix metaphors, that one shining moment is RIGHT NOW. Unfortunately, someone is using the restroom ahead of you and they had the same issue. There is a single stall in there. Who is the one person you would LEAST like to see coming out that door from the Penn State family, from Hollywood, from the BSD family, anyone that particularly scares you? -Dbridi

From the Penn State family, Sal Riggio. From Hollywood, Whoopi Goldberg, because what is she doing in the men's room? From the BSD family, hbeach08. I have to think that much fruit causes some unpleasant smells. Anyone that particularly scares me? Large Marge. Holy shit she is scary, and she'd take the dump of a trucker.

What's the most interesting thing you've ever seen at a strip club? -Aqua Velva Man

I actually don't go to strip clubs very often. I have nothing against them, it just doesn't seem to happen very frequently. With that caveat, I guess the most interesting thing would be the strip club with only two dancers who kept rotating throughout the evening. 50% of the strippers were attractive. Not too shabby!

Do you prefer to be called WorldBPHat during the month of February? -Dbridi

I do now.

Why is my BSD education often times more expansive then my PSU education? -DefiantLion

I value my Penn State education as much as the next man, but it is the nature of modern education to pigeonhole the student. I forgot more electrical engineering than most of you know, but to get there I took an absurd percentage of electrical engineering classes. BSD is much more well rounded.

Now that I'm a citizen, I don’t get deported if I murder, right? -misdreavus79

I know even less about criminal law than trademark law, so once again I apologize. However, I think that's right. Murder away!

DMB (Deport/Murder/Bail), names up to you. -misdreavus79

I will restrict myself to incarcerated criminals so this question makes sense. Deport Phil Spector, because he has the hair of a foreigner. Murder the BTK Killer, because you don't get to pick your own nickname, asshole. Bail Charles Manson, he seems nice enough.

MFK: Bellanca, HughGR, M1EK. -PSUGuru

Marry M1EK. I don't beef with M1EK. Fuck HughGR. I'd show him where the taint is. Kill Bellanca. I'm not a fan.

I went to Cigar City Brewing after work today. It’s a nice little Tampa brewery with a bar attached. I had a couple good beers and was hoping they’d fill my Victory growler but they declined because it wasn’t the right size, no biggie. I bought one of their 32oz growlers and a pair of smokes from a very pleasant looking girl who was hand rolling but didn’t quite look like she wanted to be there. So I came home and quickly polished off the 32oz and the first smoke, then proceeded to pour 6 Prima Pils bottles into my Victory growler just for fun. I have no question but I was hoping you could provide an answer. -tampalion

You were right.

How many times has this happened to you? (story about Shawn Kemp accidentally banging the same girl twice)-Dbridi

Never. If I bang the same girl twice, she's the one who made the mistake.

How did you get here? Desperation for off season page views? -Former_DC_Buck

That's my guess too, but I'm happy to help.

What is the square root of George Washington? -TheBackupQB

George Washington cannot be divided.

The Razor’s Edge – Bill Murray’s best work? -Smee

I've never seen it. Sure!

Ever worn a pair of corduroys commando? -Smee

A: No, but I am going to try this ASAP. Probably not until next week though, I have a pretty full calendar for the next few days.

Piss poor or half-assed, which is worse? -Smee

Piss poor. At least with the latter you get half the ass.

Best position from which to light a fart? -Smee

While serving as the arch in an Eiffel Tower.

Do you own black shoes or a diary? -Smee

I own black shoes. I do not own a diary.

Better dinner-table conversation: politics or religion? -Smee

A: Politics. Local politics. If you haven't sat through a heated Thanksgiving day argument about the actions of the city council of a Youngstown suburb, you haven't lived.

Directions on KY Jelly: 'Apply desired amount of lubricant to your intimate areas.' How do you personally define 'desired amount' and 'intimate areas'? -Smee

I guess the technically correct answers would be "enough" and "the twat", but of course I never need KY Jelly. They don't call me "Flood Warning" for nothing, or at all.

Kan Jam or Ski Pole? Which disk-related tailgate game would you prefer? -bearwithscarf

I've never heard of either of these, and as I noted above, I don't want to do any undue research. I'll take Kan Jam, because it's whimsically misspelled. My favorite tailgate game is sitting on my ass and drinking.

Horsey sauce dispenser nozzle.

Is what Chris Rock says about tongue rings true? -jman07

I assume so. I've never actually hooked up with a girl with a tongue ring. Tongue rings kinda weird me out, frankly. Fork-dick surgeries, that's where it's at!

Where is the strangest surprise place you've ever woken up alone after a night of heavy drinking? -psuphysicist

On an empty ballroom stage, shirtless and covered in rose petals.

Spats, because I once spent $500 there. My second favorite is the Corner Room, for obvious Neuheisel reasons.

How long is it going to take you to answer all these questions? -misdreavus79

I did it piecemeal so I am not positive, but I bet it took me 3 or 4 hours.

What's the proper level for the arrogance of patent prosecutors relative to other lawyers? -ckmneon

I know what you're driving at, because other lawyers have poly sci degrees, but the correct answer is "none." I get lots of work from lawyers in other practice groups of my firm (corporate, franchise, litigation, etc.), so it literally pays to be nice. The proper target for your arrogance should be incompetent patent prosecutors, of which there are legion. I harshly judge others on an abiding personal level based on the quality of their applications and patents.

Are you actually fat? -speedomike

I could stand to lose 25 pounds or so. I'm not obese, but I have a pretty solid gut.

Is James Franklin's accent genuine? -speedomike

I suspect he really has a Cockney accent.

When the sun explodes and destroys Earth, who will make the best gif? -speedomike

The Ferengi. Economics aside, they behave exactly like every person on Reddit.