Penn State Football

I'M AFRAID I'VE GOT SOME BAD NEWS: Illinois Edition

Our bi-weekly series telling you why Penn State will beat each and every one of its opponents this year continues with Illinois. Illinois. Glad to know the Big Ten is giving Penn State one easy win, at least.

By Dan Vecellio Jul 9, 2014, 8:00am EDT

I still have no idea how Penn State didn't F5 Illinois last year. And not just a normal F5 to Illinois, I mean like that time Brock Lesnar nearly killed Shannon Moore with an F5. There's like a 97.7 percent chance that the Nittany Lions were just suffering from an Ohio State hangover, as the Buckeyes lit Penn State on fire a week before.

Regardless, Penn State came out with a 24-17 win in overtime. It was ugly, like Penn State was actively trying to not win. The team racked up 490 yards of total offense -- 89 more than Illinois -- raced out to a 14-0 lead...and yet the Fighting Illini had a 17-14 lead with 5:30 left in the game. What the hell?

Still, a win's a win. Especially a win over that dipshit TIm Beckman. That was cool. But yeah, whatever, let's get to the video.

YOU, ILLINOIS, WILL GET PENN STATE'S FOOT STUCK UP YOUR CANDY ASS, AND YOU WILL NOT BEAT PENN STATE IN 2014.

I mean, I suppose that it's nice that Illinois was pretty good on offense this year, as the team was 23rd in America in throwing the ball. Of course since Illinois is the all-time "this is why we can't have nice things" team, it lost the QB that led the squad last year, Nathan Scheelhaase. In steps either Oklahoma State transfer Wes Lunt -- who's ok -- or Reilly O'Toole, who Bill said "honors his ancestors by having a 0.16 BAC at all times" last year. Illinois also lost its top receiver, Steve Hull, whose name is juuuuuuuust close enough to "Steve Holt" that I like him.

The team does return some firepower. Its top two running backs are Josh Ferguson and Donovonn Young, who are kinda ok. It also returns its No. 2 (Ferguson) and No. 3 (Miles Osei) receivers. So, like, ok, I guess they're fine. Lunt may end up being not bad but whatever, Illinois is going to suck, because it is Illinois.

On defense,

The only reason Illinois didn't have the worst defense in the Big Ten last year was because Indiana is morally opposed to playing defense. And because Purdue is bad any anything that requires being good at football.

The Fighting Illini had the worst rushing defense in the conference last year, as evidenced by Bill Belton's 201 rushing yards against them in 2013. Opposing QBs were more efficient against Illinois than anyone else in the Big Ten. Hell, the Illinois defense only had three interceptions and 15 sacks last year. The team has a good safety in Earnest Thomas III, but other than that...