We would formally like to declare war on the University of Indiana, its football program, and the fine folks at its SB Nation team site, Crimson Quarry.
Let's back it up and provide context. Last season, Penn State and Indiana played something vaguely resembling a football game. It's kind of like how a cardboard box is food: yes, you can eat it and it will fill up your tummy, but it's not actually food. Yes, last year, Penn State's and Indiana's football programs took to the football field and went 11-on-11 for 60 minutes with the intention of having a football get into an end zone, but it wasn't actually football. It was an exercise in punting. My god, was there a lot of punting. To be exact, there were 20 punts. And Zander! There was Zander. Anyway, Penn State won, so it's all good or something.
To honor the occasion, the gang over at Crimson Quarry declared the week leading up to this year's game as PUNTWEEK, as they are allowed to do, because they are adults and can do what they want. We, after going to get chips and dip because we're hosting them this week and every good get together needs chips and dip, decided to take it one step further and officially announce that Indiana is Penn State's new rival. Fortunately, they're cool with the arrangement too.
So guess what, Penn State isn't #Unrivaled anymore! Sure, we didn't run this by anyone in Penn State's athletic department but that doesn't matter because, uh, well it probably does matter but whatever.
Now, I know what you're thinking, "hey Bill, Penn State has an all-time record of 17-1 against Indiana and it's not like the two schools ever compete in recruiting, why would this be Penn State's rival?" Well, I have a few reasons:
1) Punting is winning
Self-explanatory, and nothing truly sums this up true spirit of punting quite like the annual battle between the Nittany Lions and the Hoosiers. If punting is winning, and this game highlights punting, then this game is winning. Or something.
How many times have you heard someone say "Penn State basketball and Indiana football are similar because they are both programs in the shadow of much larger, more successful programs"? Let's have this be a rivalry that goes beyond the gridiron and also happens on the hardwood with, usually, the exact opposite result. Then again, only one school got Tony Carr and Lamar Stevens, and it sure as heck wasn't Indiana.
3) Let's face it, they're as much of a rival as Maryland and Rutgers are
With the only difference being Maryland and Rutgers are not Penn State's rivals, whereas Indiana is, because we said so. Also, Ohio State has Michigan, Michigan State has Michigan, and Michigan has Ohio State and Michigan State. There goes all the other options. We have the Hoosiers. Let us embrace them.
4) Remember that time we flipped Tommy Stevens from them
Heck yeah RIVALRY.
*makes finger guns*
*fires them off for like three minutes*
5) I made a trophy I hope you like it
I worked really hard on this.
I have made a trophy for this weekend’s rivalry game between PSU and IU. pic.twitter.com/nbAC5z9syB— Bill (@bflip33) October 6, 2015
6) Because rivalries are dumb as hell and should be as fun as possible
Can you imagine reciprocal hatred between two universities? That's so stupid. Like Ohio State's refusal to have the letter "M" on anything during Michigan week, that's absurd! Even the state's governor buys into that nonsense! Rivalries in which teams pretend to hate each other when, in actuality, they need each other to validate themselves are the dumbest things. The only rivalry that makes sense is any rivalry that involves hating Duke, because Duke.
Penn State and Indiana's rivalry needs to exist if only because sports are fun. They are dumb and silly and fun. They're the kinds of things that we should bond over, not the kind of things that should inspire hatred between people; leave that to debates about which Kanye album is the best. Let's have a rivalry inspired by silliness. Let's have a rivalry that is meaningless, and through it, we have fun. Let's have a rivalry with Indiana.
So if you come up to the game this weekend, go up to an Indiana fan, give them a handshake and a beer, and fire some SCALDING shit talk (and by that I mean remind them that Dan Dakich, who is the god damn worst, holds a degree from their university). We'll have some more content discussing college football's hot new rivalry – which we are naming the Battle for Field Position – this week, but for now, suck a dang egg, Indiana.
RIVALRY WEEK. pic.twitter.com/QY44VUH9xY— Black Shoe Diaries (@BSDtweet) October 6, 2015