After spending six hours reading Internet comments, Penn State athletic director Sandy Barbour has decided to part ways with Patrick Chambers and hire SMU coach Larry Brown as Penn State's newest basketball coach.
"I understand some of your confusion, I really do," Barbour told Black Shoe Diaries about her decision. "But I spent a good portion of today reading various Penn State message boards, and I think this is the right move."
Barbour, who extended Chambers' contract several weeks ago, articulated that he is actually a good basketball coach and a great man who is the best option to build a program in Happy Valley. However, Barbour said she doesn't care about building a program, she cares about winning games "right now."
"Listen, I get that hiring Larry Brown is basically the worst thing to do for the long-term growth of the program," Barbour said. "But winning somewhere between 17 and 22 games a year for the next two years and maybe making the NCAA Tournament once before he bolts is way more important than anything else."
While the details of Brown's contract are unknown, Barbour laughed when asked if he didn't care about money, only a commitment to the basketball program.
"Wait, seriously?" Barbour asked. "People actually thought that Larry Brown would ever come here for any less than a few million dollars? He's Larry Brown, for God's sake. We can promise him whatever he wants, as long as somewhere in that promise is a promise that we pay him at least $2 million a year. And that doesn't even include the $500,000 that he demands to be put aside at all times in the event that a recruit needs to be convinced to come to Penn State."
Along those lines, when asked for comment, NCAA President Mark Emmert laughed for three uninterrupted minutes and said "oh hell yeah, I just have to wait 18 months then I can actually sanction Penn State for something within my jurisdiction. I may shut the school down. This is awesome."
Chambers could not be reached for comment, as he was too busy getting offered assistant coaching jobs by all of the upper-echelon Big Ten coaches who spent the last four years praising him for how he dealt with a bad situation at Penn State.
Update: Look at a calendar, y'all. April Fools.