As we all know, the way to truly show that you love an athlete is to give them a nickname. It's why guys like Rob Gronkowski have nicknames, whereas guys like David Ortiz -- who is an asshole -- do not*.
* -- yes, I am blatantly ignoring the fact that David Ortiz has a nickname, because he is the worst
Now, we at Penn State have a new football player who could be the most lovable guy ever: Joey Julius. He's a big dude, coming in at 5'11", 244 pounds. He plays kicker, and as we showed with Sam Ficken, we love kickers in Happy Valley. He has a unique style of kicking, he can boot the hell out of a football and there's a good chance he's the team's starter heading into 2015.
There's just one problem: we need to give him a nickname. Ficken had $am, Sammy Franchise and Mr. Automatic, which were all wonderful nicknames for him. Julius has nothing. So we, as a public service, would like to propose several nicknames for our new favorite football player, complete with the pros and cons of each names. Here are the contenders:
Pros: This is his nickname among the team. It's obviously caught on with the guys in Happy Valley, and it would probably be wise for this to be something that goes beyond just Penn State football. Plus, as we all know, rhyming rules, and "Big Toe Joe" makes me all warm and fuzzy.
Cons: This one lacks pizzaz. Most people have two big toes, and I am personally not a fan of naming people after body parts. Outside of Bobby "The Brain" Heenan, it's kind of lame. Of course, if you spruce up body parts, they can make spectacular nicknames, which brings us to option No. 2...
Pros: First, from a marketing standpoint, this is a godsend. Could you imagine the t-shirts that could be made with his silhouette and a picture of a laser instead of his right foot? I would drop $30 on that thing. Even better: imagine a No. 99 jersey with "LASERFOOT" across the back. Also, this is a badass nickname. Imagine 108,000 people in Beaver Stadium chanting "LA-SER-FOOT" after he kicks the game-winning field goal during the white out game against Ohio State in a few years. That hasn't even happened yet and I'm smiling.
Cons: I'll bet $10 that there is Star Wars fan fiction out there with a character named LASERFOOT, which is weird. There is also a thing that exists called "Laser Foot Care," and I can certainly see someone getting the two confused. There is also the concern that having a laser on your foot is a disadvantage, as opposing teams will know exactly where you are trying to kick. This could hurt on field goals and kickoffs, imo.
Pros: Everything from above, but intensified, because MURDERLEG is infinitely more badass than LASERFOOT. Also: this nickname would make a transition into professional wrestling or MMA much easier. Would you want to fight a man named "MURDERLEG"? No? I didn't think so. Just to make sure, we should have Julius hit Randy Edsall with Sweet Chin Music.
Cons: A nickname that encourages murder probably is a bad thing. I find this analogous to how people get all up in arms about Killer Mike's rap name, even though he picked it because he kills microphones. Joey Julius would be nicknamed "MURDERLEG," and you know that some people would be really upset about this. Plus 108,000 people in Beaver Stadium chanting "MURDERLEG" may be a bad look. I don't agree, but *Fox News voice* those dang political correctness folks may.
THE ROUND MOUND OF TOUCHDOWN
Pros: This is, of course, a play on Charles Barkley's nickname "The Round Mound of Rebound." Could you imagine the fun that people would have with this? Julius would immediately ascend to legend status. There's also the possibility that we'd be able to get Barkley out to Happy Valley for a game if this happens, which would either be the best or worst thing in the history of State College. The Phyrst would run out of booze. It would own.
Cons: He is a kicker, so him scoring a touchdown would probably never happen. But sweet mother of God, could you imagine how awesome it would be if Julius scores a touchdown? Also: Barkley coming to State College would probably lead to a state of emergency and the suspension of habeas corpus across Centre County.
Pros: Chad likes this one. It's cool because it is the nickname of rapper/baserunner extraordinaire, Fat Joe. Remember when "Lean Back" was a really popular song? That was fun.
Cons: This one's kind of mean, and while THE ROUND MOUND OF TOUCHDOWN is a slight alteration of a popular nickname, this is a blatant ripoff. Also, Fat Joe is not fat anymore.
Pros: The name comes from Raiders kicker Sebastian Janikowski, who owns and is massive and has a powerful leg. Janikowski was also 11th in the NFL in accuracy last year, so Julius would be named after a rather good kicker. The Raiders' star (lol) has the NFL record for most 60+ yard field goals in a career with two, and he also has the record for 40+ and 50+ yard field goals made in a game. I would not mind it if Julius set those records while at PSU.
Cons: It's a bit clunky and also we don't want bad Raiders juju poisoning Penn State (save for McGloin, of course). Plus Janikowski's all-time field goal percentage is 40th all-time, which is...ok. We don't accept ok at Penn State. Julius will be better than that.
So there are the contenders. Please vote in the poll, which you can find below. Someone will comment "Ohio State Sucks," so feel free to rec that instead of voting for that in the poll, because I'm not gonna add that. This is serious, everyone. Very serious.