...So You Drafted A Member Of The Black Shoe Diaries Staff

The Skinny

Today is the NFL Draft! Many cool things will happen today, like Mel Kiper suppressing his urge to kill Todd McShay and ESPN and the NFL Network keeping their reporters from doing journalism so they don't make the Ginger Hammer mad. And Jameis getting picked No. 1, followed by people losing their minds for 10 minutes because the Eagles are going to try and trade up for Marcus Mariota. That too.

ANYWAY, I don't know if you saw this, but the mothership put out a really cool NFL scouting report generator yesterday. All you do is plug in a name and a scouting report pops up. It's a good way to not do anything during work, if you're into that sort of thing.

Following the lead from the fine folks at And The Valley Shook, we decided to turn the scouting report generator on our staff. These are their stories.

*Law and Order bump music*

What You're Getting

Cari -- "Cari Greene has the football mind to line up anywhere, but scouts say selfies could be an issue"

Jared -- "Jared Slanina has the prehensile tail to tackle refs who aren’t looking, but scouts say selfies could be an issue"

Bill -- "Bill DiFilippo has the cannon arm to stick in the league, but scouts say selfies could be an issue"

Chad -- "Chad Markulics has the ponytail to peel an onion, but scouts say voting record could be an issue"

Polak -- "Nick Polak has the manicured hands to sniff a pig a farm away, but scouts say Nickelback fandom could be an issue"

Tim A -- "Tim Aydin has the heart to tackle refs who aren’t looking, but scouts say Internet consumption could be an issue"

Nikki -- "Nikki Bowser has the pain tolerance to rugby punt a loved one, but scouts say peg leg could be an issue"

Adam -- "Adam Collyer has the football equipment to break a lineman in half, but scouts say frequent car sickness could be an issue"

Devon -- "Devon Edwards has the wonderlic score to climb a fire pole, but scouts say glass eye could be an issue"

Eric -- "Eric Gibson has the manicured hands to broad jump a canal, but scouts say napkin hoarding could be an issue"

Nick Blonde -- "Nick Blonde has the hard head to at least get picked, but scouts say backward cap could be an issue"

bscaff -- "bscaff has the general yearning to be a mensch to teammates, but scouts say soft femurs could be an issue"

Galen -- "Galen has the flexible morals to tie shoes without help, but scouts say emoji usage could be an issue"

Matt -- "Matt de Bear has the sharp knees to make it to the game, but scouts say chihuahua ownership could be an issue"

Nick Page -- "Nick Page has the Simpsons trivia knowledge to find the end zone, but scouts say Inaccuracy with Klobb could be an issue"

Tim H -- "Tim Hyland has the will to do the job, but scouts say terrible reflexes could be an issue"

Evan -- "Evan Romano has the opposable digits to pop a football, but scouts say sixth toe could be an issue"

Dan -- "Dan Smith has the extra fingers to sniff a pig a farm away, but scouts say butterfeet could be an issue"

Ryan -- "Ryan Stevens has the general yearning to make Jim Irsay blush, but scouts say webbed feet could be an issue"

Chris -- "Chris Taylor has the off-snap quickness to outrun a fox, but scouts say inability to quote "Anchorman" could be an issue"

A few general thoughts: selfies are apparently a massive problem among the people who run this site, Polak has the most debilitating "weakness" of anyone in these scouting reports, bscaff is going to write a 4,100 word comment about how his femurs are STRONG, Tim Hyland has the exact same scouting report as Tim Tebow and Nikki is apparently the biggest badass on our staff.

tl;dr

None of us are getting drafted.

Links

SB Nation's NFL Draft scouting report generator(throw your name in there and let us know what your scouting report looks like in the comment section)