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Oh, Ho Ho Ho: Santa Claus To Make Official Visit To Happy Valley Per Sources

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The stout long-snapper is expected to stop by late on Sunday night or early Monday morning.

Watford v Liverpool - Premier League Photo by Richard Heathcote/Getty Images

Ladies and gentlemen, Santa Claus!

Stats

Hometown/High School: North Pole/NP Polytechnical H.S.

Height/Weight: 5-foot-7, 345 pounds

Recruited By: James Franklin

Starz ‘n Sheetz

Rankings: N/A

Offers: Virginia Tech

Cinema

There isn’t that much film of Santa Claus in action but sources say that his technique is comparable to Morgan Cox and Jon Weeks, so you know that’s good news. Here’s a video of a timeless Christmas classic. Claus can be seen break-dancing in the background.

The Tale

James Franklin has shown the ability to recruit at any time, any place. He developed a friendship years ago with the current head football coach of North Pole Poly-Tech, Thomas Nast III. The two were fresh out of college at the time they met. Nast III was a convenience store clerk just outside the city limits of incorporated North Pole. Franklin was a very successful ice salesman whose region was northern Canada but also included Santa Claus’ hometown. Nast III was impressed with Franklin’s ability to sell ice to customers who seemingly have all the frozen water that they need. Most of the time Franklin was also able to sign his customers up with a financing plan.

They remained in touch over the years and when Nast III learned that Claus was planning visits all over the world, he got on the phone with Franklin.

While nearly every university was interested in signing Claus, he shortened his options to just a handful of prospects last month. He made a list and then checked it twice and prepared to make visits. Claus left a token of appreciation in his wake at each stop; roses in southern California, oranges in Florida, and coal for the furnace in Urban Meyer’s Ohio office. One trip was a game-changer for the North Polean long-snapper. Always known as a jovial fellow, Claus was never so happy as he was in State College.

In addition to his commitment to the University, a gift to coach Franklin, Claus left behind presents for other PSU coaches. He put a ‘Get out of fiured for free’ card in the stocking of Pat Chambers. Guy Gadowsky finally was given all that he or any other hockey coach wants for Christmas; his two front teeth. Russ Rose and Cael Sanderson were each given a respectful fist-bump by Claus. I guess that’s what you get guys who already have everything.

Outlook

Kyle Vasey has a year of eligibility remaining so it was anticipated that James Franklin would bring in a long-snapper with this class of recruits. Vasey is expected to return to Penn State for his final season in 2018, so Claus may have time to acclimate to the college lifestyle. At this point it isn’t certain whether he will be asked to lose weight and trim his beard in order to clear a visual lane for the snap. He’s been wearing Spanx to hold up his tummy and using rubber-bands, much like Captain Lou Albano, to restrain his beard during his high school games.

While he has mostly been snapping to a lower target, as the punter and holder on his high school team were elves, there shouldn’t be much of an adjustment to make overall. He’ll have to learn to locate his target without the benefit of a red light, which is not allowed in NCAA football, but that should only come into play on foggy eves.

Claus is not expected to contribute next year and while there hasn’t been any official statement from the team, he has been seen walking around State College in a red shirt with white trim, sometimes carrying a bell. He’ll have time to hone his skills but he needs very little work in the weight room. Similar to farmer strength, Claus has the forearms of a man that regularly rides a sleigh. He’s all triceps; the perfect build for a college football long-snapper.

Welcome Santa!