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BSD Mailbag 6.27.2018

We’re taking Would You Rather to the next level

Matthew O’Haren-USA TODAY Sports

If you could have a beer with any president in history, who would it be and why? - vern05

The obvious answer here is Teddy Roosevelt. Obama would be a bunch of swanky celebs, Dubya would be chilling on a ranch in Texas perhaps with some moonshine. Clinton I think would be all weird and creeping on the ladies. I’m almost positive JFK would be at a night club, only instead of beer it’d be coke. No thanks.

Roosevelt, however, may be somewhat of a trick answer, as I’m not 100% sure he’d drink beer, but perhaps a nice whiskey. In any case, I’d get to hear all of his crazy stories, including being a Rough Rider, becoming a black belt in jiu-jitsu (after going blind in one eye thanks to a boxing injury!), surviving an assassination attempt, and what it’s like to ride a moose.

Would you rather: Never be allowed to use utensils while you eat or always have to wear white pants (no matter the occasion) except the white pants are just a size too small? Please give detail in your answer. - Patrick Koerbler

I’d like to say I wrestled with this one, but frankly, it was an easy call: give me the white pants.

For starters, unless you’re 2 years old, eating with your hands is rude and unsanitary. Do you have any idea where my hands have been? Imagine sitting down at a job interview luncheon, ordering a salad, and then shoveling it into your face with your hands. Or out to dinner with your girlfriend’s parents, whom you’re meeting for the first time, and you’re smashing mashed potatoes into your mouth as gravy drips between your fingers. Gross.

On the other hand, I’ve been playing soccer since I was 5, and my regular workout routine includes running longer distances than many people feel comfortable with. As a result, I’ve got some excellent lower body musculature. So long as the pants don’t cut off circulation, I’ll rock the white pants and let everyone marvel at my glutes.

Rewatching old episodes of House. What would you do if you found out that your wife was actually your half sister? - Sperbro

First, I have to say that House is one of my favorite TV shows of all time. Easily top 5. I always loved the lupus and sarcoidosis diagnoses, even though it was never those diseases.

As for your question, that’s a tough one. I don’t know that I’d be able to keep the relationship going at that point, though if kids were present that would complicate things. I’ll say no kids, and I’d call it off; with kids, I’d probably find a way to make it work, though physical intimacy would be a problem.

What was the worst fashion fad of all time? - Success With Honor Always

From having grown up with them, I have to say goth fashion just always seemed weird to me. I don’t dislike strange hair colors, or the color black, or leather. Heck, some guys can pull of eye liner no sweat. But slap it all together, and couple it with angsty teen rock, and, well, no thanks. Emo is up there too, for that matter.

What is your favorite flavor of opponents’ tears to relish after a Nittany Lions victory?

1. Buckeye

2. Wolverine

3. Badger

4. Spartan

5. Buttgers

6. 5b

- rju103

That you didn’t list 5b as 5b has already been hashed out in the comments, but just know that you’re now on our watch list. You better watch yourself.

When we beat Ohio State or Michigan, I’m usually not overly concerned with their feelings. I’m too wrapped up in my own elation to ponder how they’re feeling.

Rutgers goes in its own category, only because a Penn State win is expected by all parties, so it’s just another Saturday.

Wisconsin and Michigan State are in a realm that I want to beat them, and there’s just enough bad blood between the programs that victories give me just a bit more smug satisfaction than they should otherwise. But it’s still a fleeting feeling.

The one team whose message boards I will trawl before, during, and after our game against them is Pitt. They’re a competent enough team that they can upend good teams (Penn State, Clemson, Miami from just the last two years), while somehow only managing 8 wins in a given season at best. But there is so much vitriol between the two teams, and from what I’ve seen it does appear to be more one-sided, with Pitt fans being particularly angry toward Penn State. So lapping up their tears after a PSU victory is absolutely delicious.

Would you rather:

1. Take a dump in the vehicle, in the middle of a traffic jam, on the way to a family vacation with your significant other and in-laws in the same vehicle.

2. Rip a fart in the middle of church or a funeral – your choice – when it is absolutely silent. - rju103

Since I’m being given the option, I’ll take farting in church. Sure, it’s embarrassing, and you may earn yourself a nickname at future gatherings, but at least it’s temporary. It will dissipate in the matter of minutes.

Poop? In a car? In a traffic jam? Where is it supposed to go? I assume you have a change of clothes with you, since you’re on the way to vacation. But then you have to get over to the shoulder, get out, strip down, use the tainted clothes to clean yourself, get changed, and huck the old clothes into the woods. Yikes.

What two regular menu items, which are excellent as stand alone dishes, can you think of that would be really good together? - tampalion

This was originally about Chinese food, but I’m going straight ‘Murican, and saying mac ‘n’ cheese and pulled pork. For sure this actually appears on some menus, but apparently it’s a new idea in North Carolina of all places.

When we lived there, I went to lunch with coworkers, to a BBQ place. Ordered the pulled pork platter, and got mac ‘n’ cheese as one of the sides. When the food arrived, after sampling each individually, I plopped the pork into the mac, and blew my coworkers’ minds. Amazing dish, especially if you drizzle some hot and sweet barbecue sauce over top.

Jennifer Aniston is divorced (again) and I think she wants me. She hasn’t called yet, and I think she’s afraid that I’ll reject her, with her having mixed success in the romance department (I’m convinced that her last marriage was a failed attempt at making me jealous.) When she finally gets the courage to call me, should I take the call? And what if Taylor Swift finally reaches out to me at the same time? - 48-14

Of course you take that call, what are you, stupid? Jennifer Aniston single-handedly brought myriad ‘90s boys into adulthood, and hasn’t slowed down as she’s gotten older. You give it a go and see what happens! And if Taylor Swift calls at the same time? Well, you tell the ladies there’s plenty of 48-14 to go around, and let it play out.

Who gets to Indy first—Frost or Harbaugh (that is, their team is actually playing in the game and not as a guest commentator)? - LarzLion

This is a tough one, actually. Even though Harbaugh has yet to finish better than third in the B1G East, he’s been recruiting like it’s going out of style. Weirdly, for being known as a quarterback coach, he hasn’t had much success at that position. This very well may be the year that Michigan makes it to Indianapolis, now that Shea Patterson is in the fold. The problem for the Wolverines is that Penn State, Ohio State, and Michigan State are all tough teams again. I trust Ohio State more than I trust Michigan, so once again I think the Buckeyes have the best chance of representing the East this year.

On the other side of the conference, Nebraska has fallen into some doldrums. Since running Bo Pelini out of town, they haven’t found any additional success. Meanwhile, Wisconsin has a stranglehold on the West, with both Iowa and Northwestern seemingly better situated than the Cornhuskers.

I’ll say Frost makes it first. This is probably Michigan’s best chance to make it for awhile, and I don’t think their offense is good enough to get them there. It will take Frost a few years to build Big Red back up, but the West is much more open than the East. Nebraska can get there under Frost, of that I have no doubt.