When last we left this intrepid little column, the CCG was over and Bowl Games were nigh. What say we kick off a new season looking multi-dimensionally at last seasons’ foes, their final results and this season’s future.
Akron Zips (2017 Finish: 7-7)
Last Seen: Getting Mauled 50-3 by Florida Atlantic in the Boca Raton Bowl
Man, that field goal was a real disservice to Akron’s nickname.
Next Sighting Expected: Sat 8 p.m., @ Nebraska, on FOX
Fun fact: Terry Bowden is still Akron’s coach.
Lame fact: Scott Frost returns to Lincoln and the lone Nebraska fan in our College Pickem group bailed out this year.
Pitt Panthers (2017 Finish: 5-7)
Crying About Temple Ending The U’s Playoff Hopes, at The Steelers’ Stadium, 24-14
Mah lawd, can that James Franklin troll a dang troll! Temple? For a home & home?
Next Sighting Expected: Sat, 3:30 p.m., vs Albany, at The Steelers’ Stadium, on ACCNExtra
Amazingly, you can still buy tickets for this Steelers event!
Georgia State Panthers (2017 Finish: 7-5)
Last Seen: Outlasting Western Kentucky 27-17 in the Cure Bowl
Next Sighting Expected: TONIGHT!!!, 7 p.m., vs Kennesaw State, on ESPN+
Fun fact: Georgia State’s logo
Iowa Hawkeyes (2017 Finish: 8-5)
Last Seen: Out-Hitting Boston College in 9 Innings, 27-20, in the Pinstripe Bowl
Most commonly, Iowa Blogistan can be seen giving Iowa State Blogistan regular dirt naps, but Wide Right Natty Light came into 2018 rather inspired, and used the recent flooding at Kinnick to post this gem.
Next Sighting Expected: Sat, 3:30 p.m., vs Northern Illinois, on BTN
This game makes me feel like I do when Dog Twitter gets all cute and good doggy, and I reminisce to my childhood huskies. As such, a quick resquiat in pace to our three generations of very good pure-bred Siberian Huskies: Sir Pablo Elfonso, Lady Dietre Elfonso and Prince Jasper of Pablo.
Indiana Hoosiers (2017 Finish: 5-7)
Last Seen: Losing the Hoosier State Bowl Game to Purdue, 31-24
Our punting rival punted a lot.
Next Sighting Expected: Sat, 7 p.m., @FIU, on CBSSN
Holla if you peep this?
Northwestern Wildcats (2017 Finish: 10-3)
Last Seen: Squeeaaaaaaking By Kentucky, 24-23 in the Music City Bowl
As the dadder of actual human children now, I’m no longer a dog person and instead have three cats. Let me introdu—MEEAOOUASDF!!!
They advised me against such a privacy invasion, but DID YOU KNOW that this W in the Kitty Cat Bowl marked Northwestern’s eighth in a row, after starting 2-3?
Next Sighting Expected: TONIGHT!!!, 8 p.m., @Purdue, on Actual ESPN
Raise your hand if you’re gonna watch the f outta this game tonight.
Michigan Wolverines (2017 Finish: 8-5)
Last Seen: Taking an L to South Carolina in the Outback Bowl, 26-19
Anybody like to take a guess as to what place the 2017 Jim Harbaugh-coached Wolverines placed in their division?
Next Sighting Expected: Sat, 7:30 p.m., @Notre Dame, on NBC
Who you guys got? I’m legit struggling with this one in Pickem. Help a brother out?
Ohio State Buckeyes (2017 Finish: 12-2)
Last Seen: Beating USC 24-7 in the Cotton Bowl
No word on whether Urban Meyer remembers that event or whether it qualifies as one where he had prior extensive knowledge, given the medicine he periodically takes which can negatively impair his memory, concentration and focus.
Next Sighting Expected: Sat 12 p.m., vs Oregon State, in the Shoe, on ABC
Prediction: brutus goes bananas, while Urbz stews somewhere not on the field.
Michigan State Spartans (2017 Finish: 10-3)
Last Seen: Walloping Washington State, 42-17, in the Holiday Bowl
Pretty please, PSU Beat Writers, please find some way to ask Coach Frank about the new Interrupted by Storm section of his Game Day Preparation Book.
Next Sighting Expected: TOMORROW!!!, 7 p.m., in East Lansing vs Utah State, on BTN
I made some new friends (in real life, ma!) in East Lansing this past March, but it’s a bleak place for Penn Staters, man.
Sparty jacked our 2017 football season there in November by conjuring wizardly storms, and Ohio State Wrestling outscored us to win another B1G title there in March.
It’s gonna be hard to count on Utah State to avenge those injustices, but we can still hope—and Watch!—tomorrow night.
Rutgers Scarlet Knights (2017 Finish: 4-8)
Last Seen: Getting Smacked by Sparty at home 40-7
This is Rutgers’ year, Jersey can just feel it.
Next Sighting Expected: Sat, 12 p.m., vs the Texas State Bobcats, in Jersey, on BTN
Don’t even front. Y’all be peeled to your screens ready to tweet those fyre Rutgers jokes Sat morning.
Probably even wearing your Corso heads.
Nebraska Cornhuskers (2017 Finish: 4-8)
Last Seen: Getting Cobsmacked at Home by Iowa, 56-14
You guys might not believe this, but Nebraska Fans have exuberant expectations that coincide with the return of Prodigal Son Scott Frost.
Next Sighting Expected: Sat, 8 p.m., vs Akron, in Lincoln, on FOX
Still, the best thing about this coming Husker season, and all Husker seasons, really, is watching Iowa Twitter consistently bury them with hilarious sick burns.
Maryland Terrapins (2017 Finish: 4-8)
Last Seen: Getting Crabstomped at Home by Penn State, 66-3
DJ Durkin kept smiling though, didn’t he?
Next Sighting Expected: Sat, 12 p.m., vs Texas, at FedEx Field in RalJohn, on FS1
This stadium blows and you will regret going to this game, DMV Longhorns fans.
Washington Huskies (2017 Finish: 10-3)
Last Seen: Getting Outhustled and Outmuscled by Penn State, in the Fiesta Bowl, 35-28
Awwwl, Huskies again!
Next Sighting Expected: Sat, 3:30 p.m., vs Auburn, at Benzo Field in Atlanta, on ABC
Good game here. Let’s watch together!
(Who ya got?)