I Hope All The Bad Things In Life Happen To You, And Nobody Else But You: An Ohio State Snapshot

Of all the pimps, ho’s, players, johns, tricks, marks, mark-ass tricks, trick-ass marks, skeezers, skanks, skig-scags, skip-scaps, hee-haws, and scallywhops* of the Big Ten Conference, Ohio State has stood tall for the better part of three decades. With two national championships and over a dozen conference championships, the Buckeyes have been the undisputed cream of the crop.

As such, hating on the Nuts is an artform. Ohio State stacks top-ranked recruiting class after top ranked recruiting class, with the upcoming one closing in on the best recruiting class in the history of the recruiting services. There’s no reason why they stank-ass, raggety-ass, punk-ass team keeps racking up talent and wins. That’s played out. What’s the state of Ohio ever done for you? Ask a Browns fan see what they say [ed. note: Jared could not be reached for comments]. So we gon hate until they got nothing, like us.

Offensive player to watch: Justin Fields, what can I say about you that hasn’t been said about the death star? Allegedly one of the best quarterbacks in the nation, the former Penn State commit decided to transfer to Ohio State last fall and “magically” got a waiver to play last season. Fields had a pristine turnover ratio until he played *checks notes* Penn State last season, where he committed a whole three of them. Keep that turnover magic going this year my dude! Justin Fields, I hate you. I don’t even know you, and I hate you.

Defensive player to watch: Not Chase Young, that’s for sure. There are a number of bums ready to take the helm from the all everything defensive end, so let’s go with Jonathon Cooper, who redshirted last season and is back for a fifth year. He’s no Young, so tying him up should not require three or four offensive linemen, like his counterpart, who clicked his heels and went off to the NFL, used to. For a unit that lost a lot of talent (good for them!), having someone with a ton of experience coming back helps.

Major Changes for 2020: As it turns out, when you win a lot of games, your assistants bolt for bigger and better things. Or maybe it’s the fact they lived in stank-ass Ohio that compelled them to get out as soon as they could. Six new assistants are in the fray this season, but not all of them are new to the program. All the well wishes go off to Greg Mattison! hoping his tenure as DC of the Buckeyes goes as well as the one he had with Michigan!

As mentioned earlier, the Buckeyes lost a lot of talent on defense, but the nature of their rotations means their returning talent has seen the field plenty enough. Still, five** returning starters means six spots up for grabs in an offseason that has had few practices.

Penn State wins if: They score more points. The Nittany Lion offense returns nearly everyone save for KJ Hamler, which is not a small loss, but if new receivers coach Taylor Stubblefield can actually coach, he’ll have enough talent to go around. Couple the losses on defense for the stank-ass Buckeyes, and finding a way to score early and often will be the key to success.

Ohio State wins if: Kiss my ass you rotten mother ****ers!

*You can figure out which one’s wich.
**It’s three or five depending on who you ask.